Jerry Hall should not still be a participant on The Celebrity Traitors. If there was any justice in the world, the traitors would have murdered her in cold blood at the very start of Thursday's episode. The fact they did not speaks volumes about what an absolute legend the woman is.
The Crime That Should Have Condemned Her
The crime that should have condemned her to death happened on last Friday's show, during a mission where everyone had to be buried alive with a partner. Contestants had to choose between waiting to be dug up, or shouting the word "haggis", which would release them but also make them eligible to be murdered. Needless to say, Hall shouted "haggis" approximately one solitary nanosecond after the game started. Nobody else shouted "haggis". For sheer weakness in the face of adversity, she deserved to die.
However, perhaps the traitors did the right thing in letting her live, because it has become perfectly apparent that Hall functions best on the show as an agent of chaos. Some of the contestants are playing chess. Some are playing 4D chess. Meanwhile, Hall is barely even aware there's a game going on at all. She is treating the whole endeavour as an excuse to drift around blurting out whatever mad nonsense happens to pass through her mind at any given juncture.
A Case in Point
A case in point. During Thursday's episode, Hall and Hannah Fry walked into breakfast together. The expectation had been that one of them would be murdered. Suspicion immediately rocketed among everyone. What devious shenanigans could have taken place to ensure they both made it through the night intact?
For her part, Fry realised the heat would be on and acted accordingly. Hall, meanwhile, wailed "WHAT ABOUT RICHARD?" like a newly grieving widow, apropos of absolutely nothing. Nobody knows why she did it. Was it a strategy? Was it a ploy? Or, as may well be the case, does she simply live inside a bubble unaffected by simple things like causality or logic?
A Life Beyond Logic
In fairness, this is probably what we all expected from Hall. To say the woman has lived a life would be an incredible understatement. This is a woman who spent the 1970s ping-ponging between Bryan Ferry and Mick Jagger. She has played at Glastonbury and been the Joker's girlfriend. She has judged the Whitbread prize and starred in adverts for Bovril. She was married to Rupert Murdoch. If all of these things had happened to you, you'd be forgiven for living inside a self-made reality shield as well.
However, this does make her a brilliant participant on The Celebrity Traitors. It means that, after a week and a half of being abjectly wrong about absolutely everything, she still has the total confidence to boast about being a leg-wrestling champion in high school.
There is no telling where this will end. Maybe the other contestants, sick of her unintentional buffoonery, will round on her. Maybe she'll confuse and beguile everyone so much that she ends up winning the entire thing. Maybe she'll become a traitor by accident and accidentally demolish the castle. This is Jerry Hall we're talking about. All bets are off.
