Paula Cocozza returns to Worthing, the town where she grew up, to rediscover her 18-year-old self from April 1990. Using vintage Poison eau de cologne, letters, photographs, and other mementos, she attempts to re-immerse herself in a world that brimmed with hope and potential.
A Sensory Time Machine
Cocozza douses her wrists with Christian Dior's Poison, a scent that immediately catapults her back to her teenage years. Catherine Loveday, a professor specialising in memory, explains that "smell goes directly to the memory centres," making it a powerful trigger for recollection.
She drives the 60 miles from London to Worthing, noting changes in the town, including the removal of the phone box where she made private calls and the transformation of her former college into a housing estate.
Revisiting the Past
Her childhood home is still painted yellow, and the wooden gates her father made remain, though they have greyed with age. Walking her old route to college, she finds her feet instinctively know where to cross each road, and she recalls details like charity shop finds, Italian library tapes, and her dream Saturday job at a local bookshop.
Cocozza reflects on the social pressures of the time, including the median age for first marriage and the race against time she felt about losing her virginity. She also remembers the political climate, with riots at Strangeways prison and against the poll tax dominating the news.
Meeting Old Friends
She meets up with C, the boy she loved at 18, who now says their time together is a blur of "pretty vague memories, because they're essentially quite positive." He describes her as "introverted, a little shy, thoughtful, and you were always interesting to talk to."
Cocozza also reconnects with her best friend D, whom she hasn't seen in 32 years. They share a meal and reminisce about their Saturday-night pub crawls and the letters they exchanged.
Reflections on Growing Up
Three years ago, when she turned 50, Cocozza asked her parents for a carriage clock. It sits on her mantelpiece, and she only occasionally registers its tick. Meeting her 18-year-old self has felt "exhilarating, debilitating, harrowing," but she concludes that while she isn't a published poet, she has written two novels and found love and a loving family.
