Daily Star agony aunt Jane O'Gorman offers straight-talking advice to readers struggling with toxic relationships and boundary issues. In her latest column, she addresses two letters from women feeling overwhelmed by demanding family members and partners.
Wine O'Clock: A Woman Supporting Five People
A reader writes that her toyboy lover is gorgeous and amazing in bed but earns no money. She supports him financially and feels she is paying him for sex. Her two adult children constantly beg for cash, and her ex-husband and his mother have keys to her home, letting themselves in whenever they want. She feels under siege and wonders how she ended up such a loser.
She explains that her husband split up with her in 2021 after discovering she was sleeping with his oldest friend. She describes sex with her husband as routine and predictable, and she was tired of cooking and cleaning for him. The lover initially planned to leave his wife for her but changed his mind. After the divorce, her ex-husband never really went away.
Frequently, she walks into her kitchen to find her ex, his mother, and her lover drinking her wine and eating her food. Sometimes they don't even acknowledge her, which makes her blood boil. She feels bitter and resentful, and her children are selfish and don't want to hear about her unhappiness. She asks if she is destined to support five other people forever.
Jane's Advice: Take Back Control
Jane advises the woman to get all keys back immediately. She questions why the ex and his mother still let themselves into the house, snooping and eating her food, calling it beyond crazy. She recommends taking a long, hard look at the lover and asking if he is worthy of a place in her life. If he brings nothing beyond sex, it is not her job to feed and support him. She warns against allowing herself to be used and abused.
Regarding her children, Jane says she must start telling them no or she will never earn respect. She emphasizes that life is short and she cannot waste years wringing her hands. She suggests seeing a GP if feeling lost or depressed, but on an everyday level, she should eat well, keep active, and focus on her dreams and ambitions. Jane notes that she clearly has energy and earning capacity, so she should make this a new beginning.
Jane concludes that the five hangers-on will have to find their own way, and they could all do with a proverbial kick up the backside.
Unsuitable Men: A Mother Wants to Move In
Another reader writes that her mother is destitute after spending her late father's money on drink and unsuitable men. She wants to move into the reader's home and use two spare rooms but refuses to give up her lovers or vodka. She claims the reader won't notice she's in the house. The reader asks how to say no.
Jane's Advice: Set House Rules
Jane advises that the reader is an adult entitled to call the shots. If her mother is not willing to compromise, she must discuss standards and house rules. If she is not prepared to respect the reader's wishes, she will have to look at other options. Jane says the reader must tell her mother sorry, but no, and asks if she needs medical help.
