A 35-year-old reader has been in a relationship for nearly five years with a man six years her junior. While they enjoy a great sex life and share common interests, he refuses to marry, have children, or live together. This has left her feeling increasingly resentful, especially when attending events like baby showers for younger friends.
The Reader's Dilemma
She admits to faking happiness at a friend's baby shower and crying upon returning home. She says, 'I should be happy because I have a great relationship with a lovely guy, and on the whole, we are very well suited. But there’s just one thing that spoils everything.' She then lists three major issues: he doesn't want marriage, children, or cohabitation.
Despite appearing as a perfect couple, she feels something stops him from making a final commitment. She has confided in close friends who advise leaving him, but she fears starting over at her age. 'I don’t think I could bear to start again at this age,' she writes.
Counsellor's Response
Laura Collins, a counsellor and columnist with 30 years of experience, challenges the reader's perception. 'You say you have a great relationship, but do you? Evidently, you can’t talk to your boyfriend about the things that are important to you, in case it starts an argument,' Collins writes. She notes that the reader has likely tried discussing these issues before without resolution.
Collins points out that while falling in love and marriage can happen at any age, having a child is time-critical. 'It’s true that some women leave it till their 40s to have children, but it doesn’t get easier,' she says. She suggests the boyfriend's younger age might contribute to his reluctance, but emphasises that he may have had his way for too long.
Call to Action
Collins advises the reader to stand up for herself and clearly outline the future she wants. 'If he has a different vision, make it clear that this could mean the end of the relationship. Let him make the choice,' she writes. She urges her not to bottle up the pain and to find the courage to start again if necessary.
The column concludes with a reminder that Laura Collins is available for further advice via email, and readers are encouraged to submit their own sex and dating dilemmas.
