Dear Coleen, I'm a 29-year-old woman and had a short relationship with a guy about a year ago. He broke my heart when he ended things, as I'd really fallen for him. His reason was that he'd got into a relationship with me too soon after breaking off his engagement to his ex. He said it was all about timing and he didn't feel ready. I didn't know if that was all just an excuse, but I had to accept what he was telling me. Fast forward to now and we're back in touch after bumping into each other at the pub. It was great spending time together, so we decided to give things another go and, so far, we've had a few very nice dates.
My problem is anxiety
My problem is, I have this anxiety that he's going to do the same thing again and dump me out of the blue. I'm second guessing his every move and when we're not together, I can't help stressing over whether he's seeing other women. He's given me no reason to think he's a player or being dishonest in any way, so why can't I just relax and see how things go? I suppose I'm at a point in my life where I don't want a casual thing, I want something serious with potential to last. Can you help?
Coleen says
He was upfront that he didn't feel ready for another serious relationship and I think that's honest, although of course it still hurts. Look, sometimes it's about timing and maybe he's in a different place and it feels right to reconnect with you. What I'd say is just take it slowly. Try to enjoy dating and see where it goes. And remember, when he did end it with you, you did carry on with your life and got over it, and you can again.
Of course, I understand that fear of, 'What if he has a blip and leaves me again?' and you don't want to waste your time. But what if he doesn't? If he did do it again, then you need to make it clear there are no more chances. He can't boomerang in and out of your life, you deserve better than that.
Developing trust
I think it's a question of developing trust and getting to know him on a deeper level, which comes with time. Also, it's perfectly OK to be honest about your fears: throwing yourself into this relationship, only for him to do what he did last time. Explain that you're going to trust that he's resolved those issues, but you respect yourself too much to let someone walk in and out of your life. It's good for you to be honest too.
Coleen's words of wisdom
If you're feeling stuck, try these tips to boost motivation: find a routine that gives your day structure, have a running to-do list that you can add to and tick things off, and remember that even a little progress counts – off days are normal!
