A woman is deeply conflicted about whether to leave her husband of 20 years, feeling burnt out from emotionally supporting him. He arrived as a refugee with little English, comes from a very different culture, and has untreated ADHD and PTSD. Despite couples counselling with two therapists, progress has been minimal.
She feels that if she separates, she will have more support from friends and family than he will. She struggles with guilt, knowing he didn't choose his painful life, and believes her needs seem smaller compared to his suffering. The 'put the oxygen mask on yourself first' philosophy feels selfish given her perceived privilege.
Leaving Is Not Cruelty
Eleanor Gordon-Smith responds: 'If you want to leave, the fact that leaving would hurt him is not a reason to stay instead. It does not do anyone a kindness to stay in a relationship when we would privately prefer permission to leave.'
She distinguishes between owing him care and kindness (which she does, given their history) and needing to stay in the relationship to fulfill that obligation. Many people stay because they think it would be cruel to leave, convinced of how wretched life would be without them.
Staying as Pity
But if you already want to leave, staying is not kindness either. A relationship maintained only because you feel you cannot put your needs first is not a relationship between equals. Pity can patronise, turning the spouse into an emotional ward unknowingly.
Leaving might hurt him terribly in the short term, but not all pain is bad. Sparing pain is not always what's good for someone. He might untether, feel abandoned, or alternatively, the separation could be a cold-water shock he ultimately appreciates, pushing him to build his own support networks and address the sources of his pain.
Mutual Benefit Possible
Just as she can imagine a brighter future for herself, there may be better versions of life for him after the relationship—where suffering is not the glue holding it together. If she already thinks leaving is best for her, then putting her needs first and his may not be mutually exclusive; they might point in the same direction.
