For twenty years, a trusted voice in The Guardian has navigated the complex and often private world of readers' sexual concerns. As the celebrated Sexual Healing column draws to a close, its author reflects on the profound lessons learned from countless letters, revealing what has surprised, moved, and enlightened her over two decades of candid conversation.
The Unchanging Core of Sexual Anxiety
The columnist describes receiving questions as a genuine privilege, acknowledging the courage it takes to articulate intimate troubles. A persistent theme across the years has been the quiet desperation many feel, often rooted in a lack of basic education or societal shame. "So many people grow up without the message that sex is healthy and important," she notes, leading to unnecessary guilt that stifles self-discovery.
One constant issue has been discrepancies in sexual desire between partners, a problem that remains a primary source of conflict. While social landscapes have evolved—with greater acceptance of gender identity and the rise of dating apps—these fundamental human struggles with intimacy have endured.
Key Revelations from Two Decades of Advice
The column's archive offers a unique window into the British public's sexual psyche. A significant observation is how many people compartmentalise sex and emotional connection, excelling at casual encounters but floundering when seeking long-term intimacy. This, the columnist suggests, is part of a natural evolution, where one's sexual needs and capacities change throughout life.
A major barrier to satisfaction is the pervasive search for "normality." The columnist actively avoids the term, preferring "common" or "normative" to reassure readers. She emphasises that understanding your own unique desires is the first step to a fulfilling sex life, far more important than measuring up to external—and often unrealistic—ideals.
Persistent myths also abound, particularly around the female orgasm. The columnist expresses surprise that many still believe a "correct" orgasm is exclusively vaginal, a misconception that highlights ongoing gaps in sexual education.
Society's Evolving Sexual Landscape
The digital revolution has profoundly altered sexual experience. While apps have made sex more accessible, the columnist voices concern about young people's exposure to unrealistic sexual imagery, which can distort expectations and hinder the development of genuine intimacy.
Positively, there has been a marked increase in openness. Questions from the BDSM and polyamorous communities have become more frequent in the last decade, indicating reduced stigma. Similarly, a welcome surge in queries from people in their 70s, 80s, and 90s challenges ageist assumptions that sexuality has an expiry date.
However, she cautions that acceptance has limits. "We're not moving towards 'anything goes'," she states, stressing that consent, legality, and communication remain non-negotiable pillars requiring continuous education.
The Complex Web Behind Sexual Issues
The column has underscored that sexual problems are rarely just about sex. A huge range of factors can affect desire and function, including neurodiversity, mental health, medication side-effects, or underlying conditions like diabetes. This complexity was a limitation of the advice format, where she often had to recommend seeking medical help from a GP.
Perhaps the most counter-intuitive lesson is about healthy selfishness. The columnist argues that knowing and advocating for your own pleasure is essential. "People need to learn to give and receive pleasure," she says, noting that an ingrained guilt about enjoying sex often prevents people from being able to truly receive.
As the final column is published, the overarching message is one of compassionate individuality. By moving away from rigid norms and embracing honest communication about our diverse needs, the path to sexual well-being becomes clearer. The two-decade journey of Sexual Healing leaves a legacy of reassurance: in the vast spectrum of human sexuality, you are not alone, and there is no such thing as normal.
