Being a victim of financial abuse is a horribly isolating experience. Abusers cut their victims off from family and friends, so they rely only on them. They insist you keep their secrets, so you can’t be open with anyone about what you’re going through. I decided to share my experiences of financial abuse in this paper last year, partly because I wanted to encourage people to look out for their loved ones, and partly because I didn’t want other victims to feel alone.
I’ve been overwhelmed by the response since. Since then, I’ve had messages from all sorts of people, and they’ve opened my eyes to just how damaging the experience is for all of us. For me, the abuse wasn’t particularly extreme in the scheme of things, although the impact was enormous. My partner emotionally manipulated me until he controlled how I spent every penny of my money. He also controlled my life by stopping work a week after my second child was born, so I had to cut my maternity leave short – although it hadn’t really began – and take on an impossible workload in order to pay the bills. This has left me permanently less confident and more anxious; I can’t imagine what the after-effects are for those who experienced the more extreme end of the scale.
One of the women who contacted me to share her experiences had suffered financial abuse alongside emotional cruelty and physical attacks. Eventually, she got away, but was so traumatised by the experience she couldn’t stay at home by herself at night because she was so afraid he would find her. Others are carrying a horrible financial burden as a result of the abuser spending their savings or running up debts in their name. One of the hardest messages to read was from a woman who had just escaped an abusive relationship who said she didn’t think she’d ever recover, either mentally or financially.
We’ve all been damaged by financial abuse, but we’ve also found common ground on our road to recovery. Above all else, we recognise how vital it was to get support when we were trying to get out. For me, and for others, our families were a lifeline. I certainly would never have coped without the emotional and financial support of my sister and my dad. But not every family can offer this support. I heard from one woman who had explained to her parents how her husband was controlling her finances; leaving her and the children on an impossibly low income. She told them he had put her under pressure to borrow money that she couldn’t afford to repay. They listened to it all, and told her they didn’t believe her. They knew her charming and generous husband, and said she was exaggerating or must have done something to make him act like this.
This must have been devastating. It’s difficult enough to bring yourself to break the silence and face the repercussions, so to put yourself through that and not be believed is horrendous. For anyone who finds themselves in this position, or feels that everyone they are close to is also close to the abuser, it’s vital to know there are charities who can step in with advice and support. Below are some of the steps you can take to help. These will help protect your finances from any further damage, but the horrible truth is that undoing the mess caused by an abuser can be a long and painful process. One woman I spoke to had spent so long paying off her debts that she had paid almost nothing into her pension for years. Now, she’s back to zero in her 50s, and expects to have to postpone retirement to make up for the lost time.
All this means that leaving an abuser is often just the start of a long and difficult process. I don’t think that any of the victims I’ve been in contact with would say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but an awful lot of them have said this has shown them just how strong they already were. None of us will ever be over it completely, but we’re all incredibly glad to have got out, and over time, we’re learning to accept what has happened, and take pride in how far we’ve come. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline run by Refuge (0808 2000 247) can explain the help on offer – from housing to financial or legal advice – and if you need help navigating the state support available, Citizens Advice is a great resource. For women, Women’s Aid offers a live chat function on its website and for men, the Men’s Advice Line is available on 0800 196 8843. There’s also the Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse, run by Money Advice Plus.
