Relationship 'Amber Flags' Pose Hidden Danger, Experts Warn
While relationship 'red flags' have gained widespread attention for signalling dangerous behaviours that threaten physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing, experts are now sounding the alarm about their lesser-known 'amber flag' cousins. According to relationship specialists, these subtle warning signs can prove just as destructive to personal connections if ignored.
The Four Horsemen of Relationship Breakdown
In their new book Turn Yourself On: 8 Simple Principles to Find Your Power in the Bedroom and Beyond, authors Anna Hushlak and Billie Quinlan identify four specific amber flag behaviours that frequently damage relationships: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. The founders of sexual wellbeing app Ferly describe these patterns as "common but destructive if left unchecked."
"These aren't just behaviours you might notice in a partner or close friend," the authors emphasize. "They're also patterns you should examine in yourself." The book draws on research from couples therapist Dr. John Gottman, who famously dubbed these four behaviours "the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse" in his work with Nan Silver.
Understanding the Amber Flags
Criticism involves attacking someone's character rather than addressing specific behaviours. It often employs absolute language like "always" or "never," such as saying, "You're always late. You don't care about anyone else's time." This approach typically triggers defensiveness and escalates conflict.
Defensiveness emerges as a protective response to criticism, involving excuses and denial of responsibility. It represents a "power over" behaviour that launches counterattacks, like responding, "Maybe if you were more adventurous, our sex life wouldn't be so boring."
Contempt expresses disrespect and superiority through disgust, disdain, sarcasm, mockery, or humiliation. This "nastiest" amber flag manifests through backhanded compliments, put-downs, cynical remarks, eye-rolling, sneering, or dismissive gestures.
Stonewalling occurs when communication shuts down completely through ignoring, avoiding, sulking, turning away, giving the silent treatment, or obsessive distraction. Sometimes stemming from emotional overwhelm, it can also represent passive-aggressive attempts to punish or regain control.
Practical Strategies for Change
The authors provide specific approaches for addressing each amber flag:
- Replace criticism with constructive complaints focusing on specific behaviours and their impacts
- Counter defensiveness by taking responsibility rather than deflecting blame
- Address contempt through self-reflection, forgiveness, and expressing feelings
- Manage stonewalling by self-regulating, taking pauses, and communicating needs clearly
"Having these tendencies doesn't make you a 'bad' person," Hushlak and Quinlan reassure readers. "We're all works-in-progress. The truth is, many of us have never been taught how to express ourselves confidently and kindly, or how to communicate effectively."
The authors acknowledge their own struggles with these patterns, noting that Anna "used to be a bit of a stonewaller" while Billie "had her battles with defensiveness." They emphasize that recognizing these behaviours represents the first step toward healthier relationships.
Turn Yourself On: 8 Simple Principles to Find Your Power in the Bedroom and Beyond by Anna Hushlak and Billie Quinlan is available now from Penguin Life.
