While it is rare for regretful mothers to speak openly, evidence suggests they form a real and struggling minority. Tanya, a 37-year-old mother of two from Alberta, Canada, says she never felt a strong desire for children but was assured by friends and family that she would be overcome with love for her own. She describes this as 'a lot of comfort, and probably unintentional gaslighting'.
Tanya decided to have a baby partly because her husband wanted to experience fatherhood. However, she says she felt regret from the moment she became pregnant. 'As soon as I got pregnant I was like: “Oh God, I don’t want to be pregnant,”' she recalls. After giving birth, she experienced postpartum depression and has never felt comfortable in her role as a mother.
Tanya speaks of 'identity erasure'—the loss of her past self and interests such as music and yoga. She feels foolish for making such a permanent decision despite her doubts. Her experience reflects broader societal pressures, including patriarchy, religion, and the idea that women should bear children.
Historically, childless women have been stigmatised. Today, this is reinforced by 'tradwife' social media content and politicians who criticise those without children. Yet a growing number of Americans are choosing not to have children: a 2023 Pew Research Center survey found that 47% of adults under 50 say they are unlikely to have kids, up from 37% in 2018.
Dr Konrad Piotrowski, a psychology professor in Poland, published a study on parental regret in 2023. He estimates that 5% to 14% of parents in developed countries regret having children. Piotrowski notes that the topic is taboo, but when he recruited participants, dozens responded within days.
