The British BBQ Cliché: Why Rainy Barbecues Are a National Folly
Are you a British barbecue cliché? There is one dead giveaway that reveals your true national character, according to writer Stuart Heritage. A barbecue done properly can be a magical experience, but until the weather cooperates, there are numerous other ways to embrace your Britishness than burning sausages in a gale-force wind.
A Christmas Barbecue Disaster
The most and least British thing I have ever done occurred on Christmas Day 2020. Seizing the opportunity presented by a potential festive lockdown, I decided to barbecue Christmas dinner on the beach. I dug out a ratty old disposable barbecue from the back of a cupboard, prepared a flask of Bisto gravy, and set out to give my family an unforgettable experience.
It was the least British thing I have ever done because nothing enrages Brits more than suggesting even a slight deviation from Christmas tradition. Their faces turn purple with indignation, and they begin to splutter in protest. It is akin to admitting you sneaked off for a KFC during the Queen's funeral.
However, I argue it was also the most British thing I have ever done, precisely because absolutely nobody enjoyed it. The food was terrible—how could it not be?—and the weather was abysmal. A sharp, cold wind cut through our layers of clothing, leaving our fingers numb and our eyes watering. My wife and children spent most of the time huddled in the car, while I crouched over the barbecue with a forced grin, desperately trying to convince myself this was a good idea and I was having fun.
The Determination to Enjoy Ourselves Outdoors
This stubborn determination to enjoy ourselves outdoors, despite all evidence to the contrary, encapsulates Britishness. Research supports this notion, indicating I am in the majority. According to a survey by Calor, nothing will deter our love of barbecues, not even rain. The study reveals that six in ten Brits have refused to let bad weather interfere with an outdoor event.
With Easter expected to continue the recent cycle of cold and rain, it is logical to assume many will spend the weekend grimly attempting to grill burgers without melting the sleeves of their Pac-a-Macs. But it does not have to be this way.
I understand the appeal of a barbecue, of course. After a suffocating winter, we all yearn to rush outside. However, there is a vast difference between simply being outdoors and committing everyone to a miserable afternoon in the garden, fumbling for soggy hotdog buns in driving rain.
Considering Others' Feelings
Did you even consider the feelings of your guests? Did you pause to wonder if they share your masochistic flair, or were you so determined to have a barbecue that you assumed everyone else wanted the same? Perhaps your friends thought your invitation was weather-dependent, and your cheerful "BBQ still on! Bring a coat lol!" text as drizzle hit the patio sent them into despair. Did you ever think of that?
This is not to say I am anti-barbecue. Nothing could be further from the truth. One of life's greatest pleasures is being outside on a warm evening, catching wafts of hot charcoal from neighbouring gardens. A barbecue done properly is magical, transcending food to become a celebration of community. Relaxing with friends, eating delicious food, and feeling the sun's warmth is something I wholeheartedly endorse.
The Appeal of a Barbecue Done Crap
But you do not want a barbecue done well, do you? You want a barbecue done crap. You are so intent on forcing a feeling through sheer will that you ignore how unpleasant it is for everyone else. As the ghost of Christmas 2020, I learned this the hard way. A drive home with shivering, hungry kids and a grumpy wife taught me the error of my ways.
If you truly desire a barbecue, do the sensible thing and wait for warm weather. And please, stop hiding behind ironic patriotism. I have attended rainy barbecues infused with an infuriating "Ooh, we're so British" knowingness, as if acknowledging the stupidity of cooking sausages in a gale excuses it. It does not.
There are plenty of other ways to be stereotypically British. Throw a chair through a pub window during a football match. Tut at people standing on the left on escalators. Vote for Brexit, for all I care. These are all better than pretending to enjoy a rainy barbecue. Life is too short. Order a curry and eat it on your sofa like everyone else.
