A wife writes that she desires sex more frequently than her husband, who often feels too tired or unable to perform. They have discussed the issue, but she still feels rejected and deprioritized, especially as he finds time for running five or six times a week.
Understanding the Core Problem
Advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith suggests that the couple may view sex in a similar way, which could be part of the problem. She notes that sex is described in terms of energy, performance, and physical ability, implying that it is something at which one can fail.
Redefining Sex
Gordon-Smith argues that great sex does not require intense physical exertion. She points out that lesbians often have more orgasmic sex without erections, emphasizing that the erotic encompasses much more than penetration and effort. If sex is seen as a test of performance, it is natural for one partner to want less of it.
Exploring Underlying Concepts
She encourages the wife to explore what sex means to her husband, including any fears or insecurities. Changing the definition of sex from a performance to a space for vulnerability and connection could increase mutual desire.
Ultimately, the goal is not just more sex, but sex that both partners genuinely desire. This may involve redefining what sex means and focusing on quality rather than frequency.
