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Let's Unpack That: The Secret Power of Oversharing
From finding love to landing a job, being more candid can help us achieve our goals, even when it feels risky. Harvard professor Leslie John explains to Lydia Spencer-Elliott how to know when to speak up for optimal results.
Why Oversharing Isn't Always a Bad Thing
We often cringe at post-social flashbacks, replaying moments of overfamiliarity with bosses or friends. The shame of verbal incontinence can be intense, leading to promises of future mystery. Oversharers, like Prince Harry revealing personal details in his memoir or an Olympian confessing infidelity on live TV, often face criticism. However, as behavioural scientist Leslie John argues in her new book Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing, oversharing isn't all negative. Sharing more than comfortable can benefit friendships, love lives, careers, and health, if we embrace vulnerability.
We hold back for good reason: because it's risky, John explains, noting our tendency to avoid deep conversations. We experience a post-reveal disclosure hangover, feeling exposed. Yet, we overlook the benefits—people often delight in our openness. Rumination on weird looks overshadows the trust built, which is foundational to all human relationships.
Oversharing in the Workplace and Dating
Even in professional settings, personal disclosures are often deemed inappropriate. John's research found that 85% of employees preferred colleagues who kept transparent diaries, including therapy appointments, over private ones. Leaders admitting weaknesses, such as fear of public speaking, were seen as more inspiring and trustworthy.
In a dating experiment inspired by The Dating Game, participants consistently chose more candid suitors, even those admitting to indiscretions like false insurance claims. Over half preferred someone openly admitting wrongdoing over someone refusing to answer. This hesitancy to be vulnerable hinders love connections, with Hinge's 2025 report showing Gen Z users are 36% more hesitant than millennials to start deep conversations on first dates.
The Cost of Concealment and Steps to Share More
The number one consideration when sharing is risk, says John. We fixate on negative feedback but miss opportunities from not revealing. Concealment costs intimacy, promotions, friendships, and partnerships. In long-term relationships, not sharing feelings can lead to disconnection over time, as confidence in knowing someone outpaces actual knowledge.
John offers four steps to ease sharing:
- Audit daily life for sharing opportunities.
- Consider the cost of not speaking up, as emotions may seep into passive aggression.
- Start small; oversharing isn't about going full throttle.
- Encourage reciprocity by asking questions, as people perceive this as care.
The Paradox of Online vs. In-Person Sharing
In an era of constant online oversharing, from birth announcements to obituaries, society struggles with in-person communication. There's a complete paradox, John notes. Online sharing lacks immediate feedback, yet it's more permanent and widespread. Social norms have shifted, but in-person candidness fosters success, intimacy, and love.
John's decades of research show that in safe environments, people are forthcoming. It's really eye-popping, those results. It's very therapeutic, she says, emphasising the mental and physical health benefits. Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing by Leslie John is out on 26 February.
