Ellie MacDonald, now 41 and living in Leeds, has spoken about the lifelong impact of her father Neil's suicide when she was just four years old. For years, she believed his death was her fault, grappling with confusion and stigma that surrounded the tragedy.
Ellie recalls teasing at school for not having a father, and making up a story that he climbed a ladder to see heaven. She grew up asking what she had done wrong, piecing together fragments of memory. Her only clear recollections are of dancing and laughing with him, or walking to the park together.
The day her father died, he had been looking at a flat after separating from Ellie’s mother. Ellie and her mother found him. As a teenager, Ellie suffered flashbacks and distressing comments from a schoolmate who said her father was in hell. She now condemns the phrase 'commit suicide' for its criminal connotations.
Life was difficult; she struggled with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, pushing people away for fear they would disappear. At 15, a first boyfriend helped her gain confidence. She went on to study psychology at the University of Huddersfield and later built a successful career in PR and marketing, while secretly battling her own mental health.
In 2021, while representing a client focused on suicide prevention, Ellie learned that suicide is the leading cause of death for under-35s and men under 50. She has since engaged in therapies including EMDR and tapping meditation, and urges open conversations to break the stigma.
