South Africa rugby international Sbu Nkosi has revealed that the loss of his twin babies shortly after birth led to his disappearance in 2022, as he opened up on the devastating personal tragedy during a podcast appearance.
Disappearance and return
The wing was reported missing to police by his club side Bulls in November 2022 after they had not heard from him for three weeks. Concerns grew as calls and texts went unanswered and relatives were unaware of his whereabouts, but he was located at the start of December that year.
Nkosi, who has 16 Springboks caps and won the 2019 Rugby World Cup before being handed a three-year doping ban in 2024, previously attributed his disappearance to the "mental pressure" of professional rugby. Now, he has shared the full extent of his struggles.
Personal tragedy revealed
During an appearance on the OffThePitchRugby podcast, the 30-year-old said he had "needed time away to help [him]self" after losing both of his twin children shortly after they were born. He described the incident as "the beginning of a huge rollercoaster" in his mind, leading to a spiral in his mental health and making him "physically sick."
"I had been going through a very, very tough time mentally, which had started pretty much back in Durban," he said. "I went through a period where I had lost my kids. You know, I had two beautiful twins birthed, and you know, a little after birth, they both passed away, and I just had to be back on the bandwagon and playing rugby on the same weekend, so I never really got a chance to process it the way that I needed to process it. I carried it with me, I was in a lot of grief that I couldn't understand."
He added: "I think it’s something that’s very hard for someone to understand until they’ve held their own cold baby in their arms. That, for me, was the beginning of a huge rollercoaster in my mind because, as a father, naturally you would like to protect your children and things just happened in such a way that made me feel like I had no control or protection over my children. It sent me on a spiral, to a point where I actually became physically sick. Most of it started with that moment, very, very heavy moments that I still feel with the same intensity today."
Seeking help and apologising
Nkosi said he sought psychological support but, feeling it was not forthcoming, decided to "help himself" by disappearing. He apologised to those affected by his actions and thanked his family and the Bulls for their support.
"I have to be honest and say I could have reacted better," he said. "I have to be honest and say I could have tried to be stronger, and say that in some situations where I felt like I was being hard done by, I could have handled those situations better. I did seek support from a psychological perspective and it seemed as though, at some point in time, that it was difficult for me to get that help and I retaliated, which I shouldn't have done. Because I wasn't getting help, I decided that I'm going to go help myself."
"I needed time away to go help myself because I can't deal with this pain while just carrying on. I'm making requests to see psychologists and stuff like that and because of the flow of things, it wasn't happening. I don't want to put blame on anyone, but I decided that I'm going to help myself."
He added: "It wasn’t a very good decision for the rugby player, you know, but for the person to remain alive and living, I think it’s a decision that I had to make. I’m sorry to everyone that I affected badly, I'm sorry to everyone who feels hard done by me, what happened in that time. I'm very, very sorry. I was just in a lot of pain, and I wanted to finally find a way to fix it so that I could move on."
