A friend texted me with terrible news that no working mother wants to hear: she had been ghosted by her nanny. At first, she simply could not believe it. Her world was instantly turned upside down when her live-in help of eight months, who had the sprawling attic in her family house to herself, disappeared as suddenly and completely as Katie Price's husband.
It was only after her increasingly frantic calls went unanswered and texts were ignored that the penny dropped. How could she do that to her, and how would she tell the children? Being ghosted by your nanny is not a new phenomenon, but it is definitely on the rise. It has happened to me, too.
A Casual Departure
According to my friend, who is more baffled than angry, everything had seemed totally normal. She only realised in hindsight that when the nanny left for her usual weekend off, she had an inordinately large number of bags with her. But it did not occur to her that it would be the last time the woman she had been paying to live in her lovely home, and whom she had trusted to look after her three young children, would ever see them again.
In fact, the nanny had left so casually that she had not even said goodbye to the children she professed to adore. In her room, she had left behind piles of clothes, coats and toiletries, as if she was coming back. There was even a jumbo bag of rice that she used for her evening meals. She was part of their family, and the children adored her.
It was only when she failed to show up again that my friend realised the nanny had blocked her on her phone. Now, she is worrying about whether anything has been stolen, or worse, if she had ever neglected the baby while it was in her care. The rug feels like it has been pulled from beneath her feet, and I know exactly how she feels. When I was ghosted, it floored me completely.
My Own Experience
My nanny had been living with us for four years when she left for her weekend off. There was nothing out of the ordinary, until she did not come back on the Monday morning. As a single mum, she was my right-hand woman. She had been with me when my daughter Lola was born in 2016, followed by Liberty in 2018. I thought of her as family. I thought she must just be running late, which would have been out of character. I waited by the window, eager to spot her running down the road, apologetically. After 30 minutes, I texted her: 'What time will you get here?' Then the worry set in. Was she actually okay? Had something terrible happened?
She did not answer any of my calls. My texts got more and more frantic as the day progressed. The mixture of anger and concern I felt turned to panic. I called her mother, who she lived with at weekends, to let her know she had not turned up, and I never heard back. I wondered if she had done a Nanny McPhee, the character who quietly departs the family to avoid emotional, tear-filled farewells. Or was it something more sinister?
I looked in her room; she always took her clothes home to wash them, but she had left her burgundy dressing gown and, gasp, a jumbo bag of rice. Was it a sign? What was going on? How could this person who loved my children abruptly cut off all communication without explanation? If she had found a better job, why could she not just tell me she was not coming back? Even a polite brush-off would be better than this. It took a week of texting and calling many times, at different times of day, before I accepted she had gone.
The Psychology of Ghosting
According to research by NumberBarn, an American telecommunications platform, the average person makes three unanswered calls to somebody before they realise they have been ghosted. Half of all respondents said the main reasons for ghosting someone were conflict avoidance, followed by toxic behaviour (21 per cent) and a lack of effort in the relationship (8 per cent).
I have since learned from other parents that it happens a lot with nannies, usually during the hiring process. Mums build up a rapport, introduce them to their family, do trial days, send photos to woo them, and then they get ignored with no explanation. They have been gazumped by a higher bidder. Another mum was ghosted by a nanny after she had discovered how many children she had. If it is more than two, it can be a deal-breaker.
Stories of being ghosted by nannies are rife on forums like Reddit and Mumsnet, but the feedback is not always sympathetic. One commenter said: 'They're not ghosting you, they're running from your misguided expectations.'
However, once the nanny cuts ties with you, it is not always the end of the story. According to psychologists, it is likely that the ghoster will engage in 'orbiting', whereby she cuts off direct communication but carries on passively engaging with your life through your social media posts. According to research published in Social and Personality Psychology Compass, ghosters go through a cycle, at first feeling relief. But their behaviour then pulls on their heart strings, as they also experience pangs of guilt when reflecting on their actions.
Moving On
For me, being abandoned by our nanny was worse than death as there was no closure. My daughter Lola still asks me to this day why she left and if she will ever come back. I have no rational explanation to give her. The one positive of being ghosted is that it shows you can survive it. My life was not derailed by the loss of a nanny. So, if she is reading this and wants to call me to make up, do not. I have moved on with my life, just like you did.
