For more than a decade, a woman believed she was building a life with the man she thought would be her forever partner. Instead, she found herself trapped in a terrifying cycle of coercive control, stalking, and psychological abuse that persisted long after the relationship ended. The abuse culminated in the discovery that her ex had allegedly infiltrated her Apple ID, using her own phone to track her movements secretly.
A Decade of Deception
Now 51, the Western Australian woman, identified as Sarah for safety reasons, is speaking out to warn others about the growing threat of tech-facilitated abuse. She wants to highlight how easily intimate partners can weaponize everyday devices against those they claim to love. 'If you think someone randomly knows too much or is always there when you seem to be... be mindful and beware of that,' she told Daily Mail.
The Beginning of a Toxic Relationship
Sarah met her ex-partner through online dating in 2014, after leaving a 20-year marriage. At the time, she described herself as happy, successful, and well-connected. She had children, a full-time job, and was optimistic about finding love again. 'There was what you'd probably now call love bombing,' she recalled of their initial dates. 'He seemed head over heels with me, even though I'd only met him once or twice. At the time, I felt like, "Wow, he's really interested in me, he's asking me lots of questions."' However, she now believes something darker was happening beneath the surface: he was simply 'working her out.'
Warning Signs Ignored
Early warning signs included his fixation on his ex-wife during their first date, where he labelled her 'crazy'—a comment Sarah found strange. The relationship progressed quickly, and for the first year or two, things seemed normal. But over time, his behaviour became increasingly controlling. Rather than directly forbidding her from seeing friends, the manipulation was subtle and insidious. 'His behaviour and his moods became so strong they were impacting our relationship and family, so I started to walk on eggshells at home,' she explained. 'He never verbally said, "You can't do this, you can't do that," but his behaviour and his punishment towards me or around the house became controlling.' She described constant sulking, silent treatment, emotional outbursts, and guilt-tripping whenever she tried to socialise. 'If I was going to have coffee with a friend, he would ring me after half an hour, saying "are you finished yet? What am I supposed to do? I'm at home, I'm lonely."'
The Discovery of Surveillance
Over time, Sarah lost friendships, hobbies, and part-time jobs. 'Towards the end, it felt like he actually hated me,' she added. But it wasn't until she decided to leave the 10-year relationship that she realised the extent of the alleged surveillance. She first became suspicious after her ex repeatedly referenced private conversations she had only discussed through Facebook Messenger with close friends. 'I thought, "What the f***? How do you know what I've said to my friend?"' she recalled. With a friend's help, she discovered multiple unknown devices connected to her Facebook and email accounts, which she removed. However, the most alarming discovery came later, after the pair separated and her lawyers became involved in family property proceedings.
A Startling Revelation
Sarah's lawyer had emailed her a confidential draft letter outlining financial questions to be sent to her ex. Just one hour later, her ex allegedly emailed her directly, pre-emptively responding to the exact points in the draft. 'I said to my friend, "That's really weird. My lawyer just emailed me this draft an hour ago and now he's emailed me pretty much answering her exact questions,"' she said. She contacted her lawyer to ask if the document had been accidentally sent to him. It hadn't. That was the moment she realised someone might still have access to her phone. Digging through her device settings, she made a chilling discovery: one of her ex-partner's computers was connected to her Apple ID. 'His name was there, his computer name was there, his email address was there,' she said. She immediately removed the device, changed her password, and believed the nightmare was over. But months later, strange incidents continued. 'For example, I would have an appointment and he would be at the appointment before I turned up,' Sarah said.
Hidden Access Discovered
With the help of a domestic violence support worker, Sarah used a public library computer—too frightened to use her own devices—to access deeper Apple ID security settings. There, they allegedly found her ex-partner had inserted himself as a notification email contact tied to her account. 'I thought months ago I'd already removed his device, but I didn't know there was still other bits of him in there,' she said. 'On the actual computer, we could see he had put his email address in there without my permission, without my authority.' Untangling herself from the account became a logistical nightmare involving new phone numbers, SIM cards, passwords, and email addresses, all of which had to be changed in a specific order to avoid allegedly alerting him. 'It was an absolute nightmare. I'm not very good with technology and I'm dealing with someone who's very good with technology,' she said.
Continued Harassment and Legal Action
Even after she believed he had been removed from her Apple ID, Sarah alleges the stalking continued through other platforms, including LinkedIn, where he repeatedly viewed her profile multiple times a day, despite having restraining orders in place. 'During the day, I'd get alerts constantly… my abuser has just gone through my page,' she said. The alleged stalking escalated so severely that Sarah obtained a family violence restraining order in March 2024. Her ex-partner was later charged with four breaches of the order, allegedly committed over a three-year period, and fined $3,000. In 2025, he was further charged with alleged aggravated stalking and 10 additional alleged breaches.
Raising Awareness
Sarah said the most frightening part was realising how vulnerable intimate relationships can make people regarding technology and passwords. 'When you're with someone that you trust, you never think in your wildest dreams that someone who loves you and should protect you is actually going to be your perpetrator,' she said. 'So, if you're thinking about leaving a relationship or have left one, you're at risk. Check all your devices.' Sarah is now working with DV Safe Phone to raise awareness about tech-facilitated abuse and the importance of secure, private devices for victim-survivors escaping dangerous situations.
