Why This Music Critic Vows Never to Return to Coachella Festival
There comes a moment when even the most dedicated rock journalist must draw a line and declare: "You cannot legally compel me to attend Coachella again." Kevin E G Perry has reached that breaking point, and his reasons are both personal and scathing.
The Breaking Point: A Rickshaw Ride Too Far
It was the second cycle rickshaw that sealed the deal. The dusty, winding path from the Coachella taxi drop-off to the festival grounds is so lengthy that cyclists offer rides along the route. A few years ago, after trekking half a mile under scorching sun, Perry finally relented and paid a muscular cyclist a small fortune via Venmo to pedal him toward the distant music. Upon reaching a fence and gate, he encountered another cluster of rickshaws, realizing the road was split into two sections. Faced with either paying exorbitantly for another ride or joining the footsore crowds trudging through dirt, he made an easy decision: never again would he subject himself to this "blighted hellscape" of a festival.
Coachella's Allure vs. Reality
Coachella, renowned as one of the world's premier parties, returns today for two sun-drenched weekends. However, Perry's experience paints a different picture: a festival dominated by traffic jams, outrageous expenses, and overall disappointment. He admits there was a time he craved a ticket, despite the $400 (£320) price tag, excluding accommodation. From afar, Coachella appears idyllic—beautiful people partying under palm trees with top-tier musicians on stage. But his first visit in 2013, marred by Phoenix's ill-advised guest R. Kelly, left him sunburnt, exhausted, and with a newfound appreciation for UK festivals. He argues that British events, like Reading Festival and Glastonbury, offer a unique, immersive experience that Coachella fails to replicate.
Logistical Nightmares and Celebrity Culture
Coachella is famed as a "see and be seen" event, attracting celebrities, massive art installations, and influencer fashion. Yet, regular attendees know one recurring issue: after headliners finish, around 200,000 people attempt to move to the after-hours party in the South East Corner, creating a crush worse than London's rush-hour tube. Coachella exacerbates this by adding cars to the mix. Imagine Glastonbury if half the crowd called Ubers post-show, resulting in epic traffic snarls—this happens nightly at Coachella. Rideshare drivers, often from out of state, face confusion and surge pricing; Perry's 10-mile trip last year took 48 minutes and cost $87.
Why the rush to cars? Because Coachella lacks an on-site "naughty corner"; after-parties occur off-site at luxurious Palm Springs homes, not covered by standard tickets, adding further expense and hassle. While some camp, campsites offer little post-headliner activity, and with cars parked beside tents, it feels overly civilised and dull. Perry muses that three kids from Reading with fireworks could have more fun than the joyless influencer types.
On-Site Disappointments and Drinking Restrictions
Given the stress of daily entry and exit, one might expect the festival site to be paradise. Instead, attendees face extortionate food prices—$64 (£51) for two burritos and two coffees—and a shocking reality for British festivalgoers: it's impossible to drink alcohol while wandering between stages. Due to statewide regulations, alcohol is confined to designated fenced areas, few of which offer stage views. These spots become highly sought-after, making it nearly impossible to enjoy a drink while watching a headliner. Perry often felt trapped in a "drinking cage," longing for the freedom of UK festival cider buses.
Ticket Sales and Personal Resolve
Despite Perry's disdain, Coachella's popularity endures. This year, both weekends sold out quickly, rebounding from last year's decade-low sales. He hopes attendees spending over $1,000 for a desert weekend find value, but personally, he'll be on his couch, streaming the event with homemade cocktails. Some things, he concludes, are better appreciated from a distance. Coachella 2026 runs from April 10-12 and April 17-19, but for this critic, it's a chapter firmly closed.
