The problem
It has been just over a year since my daughter was born and my husband and I haven't had sex. There are a few reasons – I had a difficult birth and took a while to heal, which has put me off anything happening down there. We've also been preoccupied with getting to grips with being parents, while juggling all our other responsibilities, so we've been distracted and too tired to really care. I know this situation can't go on forever, though, so how do I deal with it? We're still close and fancy each other, but the whole subject of sex feels a bit awkward, and I don't think either of us knows how to broach it for fear of upsetting the other. My parents are looking after the baby in a few weeks' time, so we can have a night away. On the one hand, I'm looking forward to the break and the chance to spend some time together, but it also feels like there's some pressure to have sex. What happens if we do and it's a disaster or we don't and are left feeling bad that we missed an opportunity?
Coleen's advice
Don't think of this trip as going away to have sex – treat it as a break where you can enjoy a whole 24 hours of rest and relaxation together. If sex happens naturally, then great, but don't put pressure on yourself or each other. Even if you take a big nap in a lovely hotel room and enjoy a nice dinner, it'll be so worth it. I think a lot of new parents struggle with this and it's not just sex, but finding time to connect, chat, cuddle and do nice things together. Naturally, your new baby becomes the prime focus, but you have to be careful not to lose yourselves.
My grandson is eight months old and I'm always reminding my daughter to create space for her relationship and I'm happy to help with babysitting where I can. Keep creating these opportunities, whether it's once a week or once a month – whatever you can manage.
I understand that sex feels a bit scary because you haven't done it for a while and maybe you're worried it'll hurt or be rubbish, but you can build up to it gradually and do other things. Romance doesn't always have to be about sex, but it can lead to it.
I know you don't like the idea of talking about sex, but it might be a relief to chat about it with your partner, and you might find that he feels the same. Talking about it will probably take some of the pressure off. Communication is important, so why not use this time away to start the conversation?
