When you accept yourself, it becomes much easier for others to feel they can accept themselves and be themselves as well. This insight from therapist Claire Fountain highlights the ripple effect of self-acceptance.
Understanding Confidence
Confidence is often misunderstood as something we will arrive at after achieving certain goals or looking a certain way. However, true confidence is not dependent on external factors. According to licensed therapist Claire Fountain, it is 'a sense of trusting one's self'. If you struggle with confidence, you are in good company, but it does not have to be permanent. 'We can change our beliefs about ourselves,' says Fountain.
Confidence vs. Self-Esteem
Although often used interchangeably, confidence and self-esteem are distinct. Dr Kristin Neff, associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, explains that self-esteem is an evaluation of self-worth—one's estimation of themselves as a good or bad person. Confidence, on the other hand, is the belief in one's ability to get things done and accomplish goals, often referred to in psychological literature as 'self-efficacy'. In short, self-esteem is about who we are, while confidence is about what we can do.
Fountain describes confidence as a feeling of groundedness. Even when things go poorly, she says, 'We can feel like, I'm OK.'
Why Confidence Matters
Confidence is crucial for overall wellbeing, according to Dr Mia Smith-Bynum, professor and chair of the department of family science at the University of Maryland. It helps one trust that they can take care of themselves, manage life affairs, and build social relationships—'the things that make you know who you are as a human.'
A lack of confidence can prevent us from trying new things or pursuing what we want, limiting how fully we live our lives. For example, you might avoid social events or necessary conversations. Confidence also benefits those around us. True, grounded confidence, as opposed to cockiness or ego, can put others at ease. 'So much of confidence is self-acceptance,' Fountain says, including accepting our shortcomings. 'When you accept yourself, it's so much easier for other people to feel like they can accept themselves and be themselves as well.'
How to Build Confidence
Identify Reasons for Low Confidence
First, recognise that entire industries are built on undermining confidence to sell products. Confidence is often sold as a cure-all, but this individualistic approach ignores societal and structural injustices, especially for marginalized communities. Reading memoirs can help normalise moments of doubt and crises of confidence.
Find Community
Confidence is not a solo endeavour. 'You've got to find affirming spaces to remind you of your humanity and celebrate your uniqueness,' says Smith-Bynum. Community fosters creativity and support.
Question Self-Doubting Beliefs
Negative self-talk can overshadow positive moments. Use a therapeutic tool called resourcing: identify your strengths and facts that undermine self-critical beliefs. For instance, if you believe you are not good enough, remind yourself of recent achievements like a promotion or a successful family life.
Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion means being a good, supportive friend to yourself. It is more closely linked to self-efficacy than self-esteem. When you fail, treat yourself kindly. 'If you fail, it's OK, people fail,' says Neff. True confidence is not tied to outcomes but to the willingness to try again. Placing your hand on your heart can calm the nervous system and boost confidence.
Take Baby Steps
Confidence is action-oriented. Set small goals that help you feel more confident about what scares you. If you are insecure about talking to new people, start by asking a barista how their day is going. Experiences rewire our brains to say, 'Oh, I can do that.'
Practice Resilience
You may not accomplish all your goals, and that is OK. 'True, healthy confidence comes from a stretch of adversity,' says Smith-Bynum. Each time you struggle, self-reflect, and find a way forward, you grow.
