Jennie Sutton, an award-winning divorce coach and founder of Untying the Knot, provides expert insights into recognising when a marriage is struggling. Drawing from her personal experience and professional expertise, she highlights eight surprising signs that may indicate trouble in a relationship, along with unexpected ways to heal and rejuvenate the bond.
Personal Journey and Professional Insight
Jennie Sutton married at 24, full of hope and excitement for a traditional, lifelong partnership. However, as years passed, she found herself adapting and rationalising, much like many women in similar situations. Her self-worth quietly deteriorated, leading to habits like increased drinking to numb discomfort. A pivotal moment came when an inner voice warned that staying for others would erode her wellbeing. She learned that love alone isn't always enough to sustain a marriage, and unhappiness can be a valid reason to leave.
This reflection echoes sentiments shared by Zoe Ball on her podcast with Jo Whiley, Dig It. Zoe discussed the agonising period before ending her 18-year marriage to Norman Cook, emphasising the fear and overwhelm involved. She reassured listeners that, despite the challenges, coming out the other side leads to better outcomes for all, including resilient children.
Now, seven years post-divorce, Jennie has built a new life and uses her experiences as a divorce coach. She helps women recognise when a marriage is over and guides them toward revival if possible. Here are the eight signs she identifies, along with healing strategies.
1. You Feel Lonelier with Them Than on Your Own
Loneliness in a marriage can feel like a room stripped bare—walls remain, but warmth and vitality fade. To reconnect, discover each other's love languages, such as physical touch, words of affirmation, or acts of service.
How to heal: Small, regular gestures like making coffee the way your partner likes it, leaving notes of appreciation, or taking time to listen can restore intimacy. These micro-moments accumulate, transforming isolation into connection over time.
2. You Can't Wait to Spend Time Away from Them
If time apart feels like a reset for your nervous system, it may indicate a need to rediscover independence. This isn't about avoidance but about recharging individually.
How to heal: View alone time as a break from shared stresses. When reunited, share solo experiences to rediscover each other as whole individuals, preventing suffocation and fostering a healthier dynamic.
3. You Miss Who You Used to Be
In many relationships, personal passions and solo adventures disappear into the 'us'. However, relationships thrive when both partners feel alive individually.
How to heal: Embrace old passions or explore new ones, such as painting, hiking, or dancing. This not only revitalises you but allows your partner to see you as a complete person, enriching the relationship.
4. You Avoid Talking About Them with Other People
Dodging questions about your partner from friends or family can signal subconscious deletion from conversations, often due to fear, frustration, or embarrassment. This habit erodes connection over time.
How to heal: Seek support from a coach, therapist, or trusted friend to understand why this avoidance occurs. Addressing underlying issues can help rebuild openness and communication.
5. 'Fine' Is the Answer to Every Question
When your partner consistently replies with 'fine', it may mask deeper feelings like fear, boredom, or disconnection. This word can shut down meaningful dialogue.
How to heal: Express how this makes you feel, saying, 'When you say 'fine', I feel shut out. I want to know how you really are.' Use open questions like, 'What was the highlight of your day?' to encourage re-engagement and shared responsibility in communication.
6. You Already Know How Arguments Will Go
Arguments often fall into predictable patterns, such as speaking, deflecting, and shrinking, replaying like a scratched record. This cycle can stifle growth and understanding.
How to heal: Break the cycle with a daily rewind—spend 15 minutes discussing what went well, what could have been better, and how to change future arguments. This increases connection and fosters willingness to explore each other's perspectives.
7. Your Body Always Feels Tense
Physical signs like tight shoulders, clenched jaws, or restless legs often mirror relationship tension. These symptoms can indicate underlying stress and disconnection.
How to heal: Take a physical approach with your partner, such as touching, shared movement, or synchronized breathing. Activities like walking after dinner or holding hands while listening to music can reset both body and emotional rhythm.
8. Your Social World Has Reduced
Over time, friends may fade and social circles tighten, but fresh perspectives invigorate relationships. A reduced social world can lead to stagnation.
How to heal: Encourage new experiences by attending workshops, joining clubs, or hosting dinners with a mix of old and new friends. Different conversations, fun debates, and shared laughter can inspire and fuel your relationship.
Jennie Sutton's insights, as featured in her work and contributions to books like 'Emotional Alchemy', offer practical guidance for those navigating marital challenges. By recognising these signs and implementing healing strategies, couples can work towards revitalising their bonds or making informed decisions about their future.
