Quietly slipping out of a party without saying goodbye might seem like a major faux pas. But sneaking off might actually be good for you, according to an expert.
Psychologist Trudy Meehan, from the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland, says an 'Irish goodbye' could be the healthiest decision you make all evening. That's because the act of saying goodbye demands a high degree of skill, accuracy and nuance – which can use up the last bit of your energy after a long night of socialising.
'You shouldn't leave a party completely drained with nothing left to recover with', she wrote on The Conversation. 'Sometimes a silent exit is about self–respect and minding your energy reserves, even if you really enjoyed the evening.'
This sneaky tactic appears to exist across most cultures – from Ireland to France, Germany and Brazil – and goes by many names. 'But the concept is the same – one moment you're there, the next you've vanished into the night without a drawn–out round of explanations, hugs and promises to catch up soon,' Dr Meehan said.
People on social media say they sometimes do an Irish exit because they 'just want to go home'. Others described saying goodbye as 'lame' and that sneaking out is the 'only way to leave a party'.
The psychologist explained that saying goodbye is actually a 'loaded cultural ritual'. 'Goodbyes are high–demand situations and, sadly, by the end of a social occasion, many of us are already depleted and don't have the energy to handle all the steps involved,' she said. For many people, socialising can trigger a sense of being overwhelmed, constantly monitoring how we come across, trying to fit into other people's expectations, comparing ourselves to others and worrying about rejection.
'The healthy choice becomes using your last bit of energy to recharge and take care of yourself,' Dr Meehan explained. However, she warned that while a silent exit can be a sign of self–respect and being aware of your energy reserves, it can also be an act of 'self–erasure'. Some people may feel like they don't matter enough to make a fuss when leaving.
'Ask yourself whether leaving without a word made your life bigger – you conserved enough energy to recover and you're glad to go back next time – or whether it shrank it, adding another reason to avoid socialising altogether,' she cautioned. 'If saying goodbye starts to feel so pressured and so performed that you lose any sense of being authentic, then the connection is starting to cost more than it's worth.'
Other names for the 'Irish goodbye' include: in English, 'French leave'; in French, 'Filer à l'anglaise' ('leave in the English style'); in Brazil, 'Sair à Francesa' ('leave in the French style'); and in German, 'Polnischer Abgang' ('Polish departure').
To make your quiet exit a bit less stressful, Dr Meehan suggests telling your friends and family ahead of time that you might need to sneak off. 'If you're anxious, it's worth letting your host know in advance that you might need to slip away quietly,' she said. 'Otherwise, there's a risk that people will read it the wrong way, as coldness or indifference. Get ahead by letting people know you'll leave without saying goodbye, and that you're grateful to have been invited.'
She explained that knowing your limits and being open about them can actually boost relationships with your friends and family. 'If sneaking out without a fuss makes it more likely you will go to their next party, then it's a choice for more social connection and therefore your health,' she concluded.
