Dear Vix,
After a difficult childhood abroad, followed by a rushed migration and unsettled period in the UK, I entered my twenties with rock-bottom confidence in relationships. I used to think I was just shy, but it was more extreme—slipping anonymous notes with cryptic messages onto desks. I grew out of that phase, but later an older woman online became my lover for three years, though we lived in different cities and met only every fortnight. It ended when she gave an ultimatum to marry her; I didn't prioritise her, and she moved on.
My thirties brought declining health, a new career, and two encounters that broke me—I experienced erectile dysfunction (ED) with two different women. Now in my forties, on medication that counters typical ED treatments, I feel desperate for affection. At what point am I considered sexually incapacitated? Are there specialist dating services for people like me?
Yours, Mr 15-Year Dry Spell
Dear Dry Spell,
First, know you are not alone. ED is common, affecting half of men over 40 and 26% under 40. While that doesn't erase your pain, it shows many share your struggle. Please don't panic or assume the worst. You are not incapacitated. Sex doesn't require penetration; there are countless ways to pleasure a partner and experience a fulfilling erotic life.
You asked about niche dating sites, but I suggest meeting women in regular ways. You are not defined by your penis. As Walt Whitman said, you contain multitudes. Pursue your passions—sports, music, book clubs—or try apps like Hinge or Bumble. When you find a kind, empathetic partner, you can work through challenges together. Niche sites might increase self-consciousness.
However, your condition warrants medical exploration. Causes include stress, relationship issues, alcohol, smoking, drugs, late nights, or worries about work, health, family, or the world. See your GP. ED can signal heart problems (blood flow), diabetes, or medication side effects. Be wary of black market Viagra. Obesity triples ED risk; addiction issues also contribute. Prostate problems and pornography-induced ED are other factors. Dr Hilary Jones notes that porn creates unrealistic expectations, especially in younger men.
Don't suffer in silence. Dr Jones says ED is treatable. Treatments range from lifestyle changes to medication. You can also use the Pfizer Erection Hardness Score: Grade 1 (marshmallow) to Grade 4 (cucumber).
Good luck.
