UK sex expert Tracey Cox has weighed in on the debate about whether crushes are harmless fun or a dangerous threat to long-term relationships. She argues that while crushes can reignite desire and boost confidence, they also carry risks of escalation and emotional betrayal.
The positive perks of crushes
Having a crush can make you feel attractive and sexy, according to Cox. Being attracted to someone new or sensing mutual attraction wakes you up and reminds you of excitement. It can be a great confidence boost, making you more interesting to your partner as well.
Crushes tackle the monotony of monogamy. Cox notes that 90 per cent of women and 96 per cent of men have sexual fantasies, and imagining someone new can make sex with a long-term partner more appealing. A controlled crush, like a mild flirtation, can be a harmless escape, similar to a celebrity crush on someone you will never meet.
A little jealousy can be good for a relationship. Cox explains that seeing your partner through someone else's eyes can reignite attraction. She recalls noticing her husband Miles at a restaurant and feeling a mix of pride and insecurity, which she believes is necessary for keeping relationships vibrant.
Crushes can also help identify what might be missing in a relationship. For instance, a woman married to a serious intellectual might develop a crush on a playful colleague, highlighting a desire for lightness in her partner.
The dangerous side of crushes
However, crushes can cause major problems. They involve an unfair comparison between an idealized fantasy person and a flawed real-life partner. The new person is seen at their best, in a stress-free bubble, making the spouse seem less appealing.
Acting on a crush impulsively is a risk. A drunken text or lingering touch can escalate quickly. Cox warns that crushes are hard to contain, especially if you spend a lot of time with the person or are unhappy at home. Research suggests that constantly fantasizing about someone you know increases the likelihood of following through.
British psychotherapist Brett Kahr calls these fantasies 'intra-marital affairs,' which can precede actual infidelity. The bottom line, Cox says, is that a crush itself is not a problem, but the behaviour that follows is. If you would be upset if your partner saw you, you have crossed a line.
Case studies: Harmless fun or dangerous?
Cox presents two contrasting examples. One woman says a mutual crush with her husband's colleague supercharged their sex life, becoming a running joke that led to great intimacy. Another woman admits a crush on a friend of a friend quickly got out of hand when he tried to kiss her after drinking, serving as a wake-up call about how affairs start.
