At 14, a gay man watched Brokeback Mountain with his mother, who hoped it would help him come out. Instead, the film's tragic portrayal of gay love—ending in death and misery—pushed him further into denial. It took six more years to say the words aloud. Now, after a second viewing, the film is one of his favorites.
First Viewing: Shame and Retreat
In 2006, the author's mother rented Brokeback Mountain from Blockbuster for a "special" movie night. Over 134 minutes, he watched Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) and Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) fall in love, only for their relationship to be destroyed by homophobia and Jack's possible hate-crime death. After the film, his mother asked if he had anything to say. He shook his head and ran out, burning with shame.
He was already struggling with his sexuality. A year earlier, Canada legalized same-sex marriage, and school peers called it "unnatural" and "wrong." The film reinforced his fear that being gay meant a miserable life or death. He locked himself deeper in the closet.
Finding Other LGBTQ+ Stories
Over time, he sought out queer narratives: Glee showed love out loud; the Harvey Milk biopic taught visibility's political value; Janet Mock's memoir Redefining Realness revealed community and fighting for others. These stories expanded his understanding of what life could be.
Second Viewing: A Release
In 2018, a friend brought him to a Pride screening. The opening notes of Gustavo Santaolalla's score brought tears that lasted the whole film. No longer a scared boy, he saw the film anew: Ennis's denialism to survive small-town USA, and himself in Jack, the romantic dreamer. Brokeback Mountain is now one of his favorite films, watched at least once a year. He also cried at the 2021 London stage adaptation.
His Mother's Intent
His mother later explained she was willing to try anything to save her struggling son. He is grateful she showed the film—it was her way of saying, "I love you for who you are." He couldn't hear it then, but he does now.
