The latest episode of Celebrity Traitors saw a disastrous Mission in which the Traitors failed to bank any money at all, followed by a terrible Round Table where the Faithful simply clammed up. Producers must have been tearing their hair out.
James Acaster's Refusal Derails Mission
It all started to go wrong when James Acaster decided he simply wasn't going to do anything asked of him in the Mission, because he was "too scared". Outraged Maya Jama and King Kenny could do nothing about it - because he didn't even raise his blindfold to look them in the eye.
Freaked out by his refusal, the pair crept about a bit but never looked close to building their shield, and - spooked by the creaking floorboards - in the end just aborted the mission entirely. The mission proved to be impossibly hard, leading to zero money being banked for the prize fund.
Faithful Fail to Act on Traitor Weakness
What is staggering is they didn't even bother to sabotage the shields that had been built, leaving three of the Faithful fully protected from murder that night. So marks for effort to all three - zero.
Emboldened after winning the shields, some of the Faithful realised that the Traitors were on the ropes. "They've been absolutely rubbish," James Blunt said, as Michael Sheen agreed: "They've got scared."
They were absolutely right. But as though their inertia was catching, the Faithful then decided they'd respond by giving up speaking at the Round Table. Theories? Nah, they decided, collectively. Miranda Hart had one, but then withdrew it.
Jerry's Exit and Missed Clues
Jerry was asked for her thoughts directly, but having banged on repeatedly about James Blunt since the start, refused to say his name. And that's after she'd earlier made the astonishing claim that he must be a Traitor because: "His face is redder than a fox's ass at gooseberry time."
In the end it was the former model who got her marching orders, not because the others really thought she was a Traitor, but because Michael suggested the next best thing was to get rid of any unhelpful Faithful.
Hang on though, hadn't they noticed that Jerry and Sharon Rooney were the last ones in to breakfast that morning? Which means - as every self-respecting fan of the show knows - that they must have been the other two Faithful in contention for murder, along with Ross Kemp. Never even mentioned.
Traitors Face Backlash and Murder Threats
When night fell, James Acaster was fully braced for the backlash he knew he deserved in the turret, saying: "I know I'm going to get a dressing down, I'm aware of that." Sure enough Maya and Kenny were fuming that he'd hung them out to dry. "I was scared," he argued, deflecting their anger by insisting he was getting better at being a Traitor, not worse.
"When I killed Ross Kemp in plain sight, I loved it," he declared. "And I have enjoyed today more." Maya said she was proud of him but loyalty-wise, he must be skating on thin ice.
Now Romesh Ranganathan is convinced he's about to be bumped off and if it's not him it will be Miranda or Sebastian Croft. James picked Romesh saying that his popularity and authority with the other Faithful would make his exit a huge blow. Calling him the "deputy head" of the round table, James said: "Morale-wise, everybody loves having Rom around."
His words were kind but was this his way of trying to get rid of the fellow comedian, who is said to have made his life tricky in the castle? As Romesh headed to bed, he was muttering: "I'm going to die tonight." And he could be right.
But whoever goes might find they've had a lucky escape if tonight's effort was anything to go by. If this was a school report it would contain just three words: Must. Try. Harder.
