James Blunt's history of savage social media comebacks could make him the biggest comedy weapon in the Celebrity Traitors castle, even among a lineup that includes Miranda Hart, James Acaster, Rob Beckett and Romesh Ranganathan.
The singer, 52, has spent years perfecting the art of the quick-witted retort, regularly leaving social media trolls regretting their comments. His ability to laugh at himself and dismantle anyone who tries to mock him has turned him into something of an internet legend.
A history of brutal replies
James has previously explained that he deliberately “abuses himself before people” online, essentially beating the trolls to the punch by making fun of himself first.
One person once wrote: “Can we all take a moment to remember just how terrible James Blunt was?”
“No need, I have a new album coming soon,” James replied.
Another asked: “James Blunt has Twitter. What would he even Tweet about?”
His response was considerably less wholesome: “B*****g your mum.”
And when one woman revealed she had a “dire need” to listen to James while menstruating, he offered a suitably corporate response: “Useful feedback. I’ll pass this onto my marketing team.”
Turning insults into ammunition
His real speciality is turning insults about his music into ammunition. One person told him: “James Blunt, your music sucks.”
“As does your missus,” came the reply.
Another complained about his “annoying face and highly irritating voice”.
“And no mortgage,” James hit back.
When someone claimed they were one of only two people who genuinely liked every James Blunt song, he refused to accept the compliment: “Nope, you're on your own.”
Self-deprecating gags and real-world jokes
His biggest hits have also provided opportunities for self-deprecating gags. When one critic attacked You're Beautiful for being about a man becoming obsessed with a woman he barely knows, James simply pointed out: “Err, she was my ex-girlfriend.”
When someone asked if they should recommend his music to their friends, James offered brutally honest advice: “Not if you want to keep them.”
He has even turned rumours of his own death into a punchline. When a social media user claimed James had died, he replied: “I did, but you'll NEVER guess what happened on the third day!?”
There was also the person who said they “cannot put into words” how much they hated James Blunt. “Try singing it,” he suggested.
Another told him they wanted to kick him repeatedly. James spotted the typo immediately, pointing out that K and L are next to each other on a keyboard.
Making people feel irrelevant
Perhaps his most savage skill is his ability to make a person feel completely irrelevant. When one critic claimed that if it wasn't for Twitter everyone would have forgotten about him, James responded: “And the most relevant you'll ever be is that one time James Blunt Tweeted you.”
He is perfectly capable of turning the joke on himself, too. When somebody joked he “sounds like a loser” James offered his own assessment: “Actually, I sound more like a cat being strangled.”
And when one person claimed he had a sad life because he supposedly searched his own name on Twitter just to find insults, James returned the favour: “Just searched your name. Nothing.”
Even fellow stars aren't safe. When John Mayer posted a philosophical observation about the difference between being pretty and being beautiful, James couldn't resist reminding him that he'd already covered that territory.
His jokes have even spilled out from social media into the real world. When police in New Zealand were trying to disperse anti-Covid protesters in 2022, James jokingly offered his services. “Give me a shout if this doesn't work,” he tweeted. They did. Police subsequently played You're Beautiful to the crowd.
We don't know if he's a murdering traitor but we know he'll certainly know how to deliver a killer comeback.
