Daily Star's agony aunt Jane O'Gorman is on hand daily to tackle readers' issues with straight-talking advice, from bedroom confessions to self-confidence problems and drug use. She has helped thousands of readers and continues to offer guidance. Readers can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Jane cannot respond to individual letters, and not all problems will be published.
Reader's Dilemma: Partner's Reckless Behavior
A reader writes that his girlfriend has gone off the rails, drinking too much, skipping work, and sleeping with other men. They have an on/off, open relationship. She insists she can do as she likes, but he still loves and cares for her. He has lost count of the times he has had to rescue her. Recently, she called him in tears from a party in a rough area, scared after things turned nasty with guests who started an orgy, and she couldn't get a cab. At 2am, she didn't have the exact address and had to guide him on her mobile. He found her crying and shivering at a bus stop, drunk.
People ask how he puts up with her, saying she humiliates him. But he sees two sides to her personality: she can be loving, witty, and warm, but alcohol makes her flip out and become unpredictable. When they go out together, he can monitor her drinks, but he worries most when she goes out alone or with friends. He admits their relationship isn't 'normal' and that he occasionally gets off with other girls too. He asks how to protect and tame her.
Jane's Advice: Set Boundaries
Jane says she understands the unconventional relationship but asks how much stress he can take. She suggests everyone has a limit and he might be hitting his. The girl needs to grow up and face her demons. The hard fact is she should never drink again, as it turns her into a liability. All her inhibitions slip away, and she becomes unrecognizable. The lovely girl is replaced by a drunken mess, disgracing herself and ending up in dangerous situations.
Jane advises telling her today that he can't and won't continue like this. Unless she gives a cast iron promise to never touch a drop again (and to speak to her GP and/or Alcoholics Anonymous if she can't give up by herself), he should reconsider the relationship. Jane's take is that they are staggering along out of habit. They are no longer exclusive, and she frequently drives him crazy. He still cares for her, but what is he getting out of this mess? She's not his project, and he can't move on while running after her. It's time to call a final halt.
Other Reader Concerns: Lap Dancing Clubs, Unrequited Love, and Family
Another reader is upset because her boyfriend's new job involves entertaining foreign clients at lap dancing clubs and booking escorts for private parties. He has been dragged out to sleazy bars after late-night meetings and doesn't return until early hours. He swears he doesn't indulge but refuses to tell her what others do. She feels paranoid, angry, and their sex life suffers. He says he has no choice; if he doesn't go along, he'll lose his job. Jane says she can't condemn him for being honest. He hasn't concealed the truth. She concludes he doesn't feel guilty because he has nothing to hide. Good jobs are hard to come by. If joining his boss occasionally secures his employment, she might have to respect that. If it ruins their sex life, would he consider looking for a new position?
A woman admits she said 'I do' to her husband while still in love with someone else. The real love of her life is a cheeky, unpredictable ex-colleague with whom she had mad sex. Her husband is safe and steady, but her ex still arouses her. She fantasizes about him every time her husband touches her. Her ex is now married to a gorgeous younger woman, and she feels sick at the thought. Jane says she needs a reality check. If she married for solidity, that's not fair on her husband. She can't use him as an emotional safety net. If she and her ex were meant to be, it would have happened. She should find the strength to be honest with herself and her husband about her feelings. If the marriage was a mistake, she should admit it.
Another reader says her 58-year-old mother has always been nasty and tricky. She suddenly wants to leave her expensive rented flat and move in with family. When told she won't be welcome, she becomes abusive. Her sister won't have her either. Jane says her children and partner are her priorities. Her mother is relatively young and not her responsibility. If unhappy in her current home, she needs other options. Offer to help and point out she'll get more support if she employs a better manner and attitude. Don't feel guilty for standing your ground.
