Tom McGhie, sent by the Daily Star, attended The Kingdom of Loxwood – one of Britain's most spectacular medieval events – to see how it compares to his average weekend.
Arrival and initiation
McGhie set off from London and was running late when his vehicle – a Volkswagen T Cross – arrived at the gates of the 'Kingdom of Loxwood'. He was ordered to take off his sunglasses and crop top and replace them with a peasant's tunic and shorts.
The first activity was a humiliation ritual at the hands of the festival's resident two bards. “So, you want to be a bard,” one of the men said. “Here you go – take this tambourine. Don’t you dare try and upstage us.”
A crowd of bystanders – all dressed in medieval courtier's garb – surrounded McGhie and he was forced to shake the tambourine while singing the 'Loxwood' anthem. He was jeered by the bard teachers and stumbled through a few verses. “That’s rubbish!” they yelled. “You clearly aren’t very good at this.”
Immersive experience and jousting
McGhie realised this was not just another cosplay meetup but a truly immersive experience. He said he was not in a field just outside the A3, but in the Kingdom of Loxwood. Post-sing along, a turkey leg was thrust into his hand and he was told to eat it fast.
As the festival site was traversed, huge cheering came from the centre and a voice boomed over the tannoy: “it is time for the first joust!” A frenzied battlecry went up from the centre of the field and McGhie saw a knight on horseback rear up and yell “huzzah!”
Although he had been gearing up for a bit of saddle-action on the way down, the moment he saw the jousters bolt towards each other he was glad they had not let him get on a horse. The Daily Star crew were placed in the royal booth, giving them the best seat in the house to watch the competition. They even sat next to 'the Queen', who cheered for her champions and wept as they were knocked off their mounts.
Entertainment and verdict
McGhie felt like he was in Game of Thrones. One woman rode around the arena standing up on two horses, riding circles round two blokes who appeared to be fighting to the death on the floor. The two bards from earlier strummed mellifluously and provided cheeky commentary like a pair of Shakespearean Pucks. It was like Cirque de Soleil meets WWE, he said, except everyone wears chainmail and has massive swords.
McGhie asked himself whether the medieval times were better than now times. The answer, he said, is probably not – the Black Death did not sound amazing and Henry VIII was by all accounts a bit of a tyrant. But he concluded that a trip to Loxwood was better than spending a fortune on pints, sitting in someone's kitchen talking about bitcoin until 3am, or his soul slowly melting in the soft, warm fires of social media.
