When Jackie Bailey's daughter Ellie turned 12, Bailey wanted to mark the transition with a meaningful ceremony, but without the religious dogma she had left behind. Ellie wanted a high tea, so they chose a sunny spring afternoon near her birthday. The ceremony was brief and private, attended only by family, Ellie's god(less)mothers, and their children.
Background: A Catholic Confirmation
Bailey herself had a Catholic confirmation at age 12, wearing a lacy white dress previously worn by her terminally ill sister. She chose the confirmation name Lúcia of Fátima, relating to Lucia's long life compared to her cousin who died young. Despite doubts, Bailey crossed her fingers during the creed, but the ritual served as a sacrifice for her family and dying sister.
Designing a New Ritual
Bailey wanted an event that marked Ellie's transition from recipient to actor, emphasizing responsibility and co-creation of the world. She drew on coming-of-age rituals across cultures: Jewish bar and bat mitzvahs, Amish Rumspringa, Vanuatu land diving, and the Krobo people's Dipo ceremony. Sociologist Robert Bellah describes ritual as meaningful social play that reinforces norms and forms identity, while theologian Karen Armstrong notes that stories must be enacted to stick.
The Ceremony Elements
Ellie requested her favorite foods on tiered cake platters: fancy cheese, sandwiches, and cakes. The front veranda was decorated with bunting, and an altar held a bowl of water, a gum leaf, a candle, and dirt to represent the elements. Bailey compiled a book of prayers with an icon of Mary and a Medicine Buddha figure, symbolizing both sides of the family's faith traditions. Ellie wrote her own vows after reviewing Bailey's drafts, and three female friends served as god(less) mothers, promising safe harbor.
Celebration and Meaning
After reading vows and promises, the group celebrated with the high tea. Bailey draws a parallel to hominid ancestors picnicking on raw meat, their safety guaranteed by mutual commitment. Ellie promised to care for the planet and her people, and the adults promised to care for her. The ritual, an edited extract from Bailey's book The Outrageous Good Fortune of Living, provided a space for meaningful social play without reinforcing a single narrative.
