Dear Coleen,
I am on the other side of a horrible divorce, which has also been hard on my five-year-old daughter, as her father currently does not want much to do with her. I am in no doubt he loves her, but I am the one who ended the relationship, and he is staying away to hurt me, which makes me feel really guilty.
We are managing OK, and his mum has actually been brilliant. Whenever I have contacted her for some childcare, she has always been there to help. She has also helped me with other things, such as settling into my new place. I do not think I would have managed without her.
I am mindful that my ex is her son and she loves him, so I do not push it. However, I have just got a new job and want to ask her to help with my daughter on a more regular basis, doing the school pick-ups and looking after her for an hour or so until I get home.
I know it is a big ask, but I do not really have anyone else I can call on, as my parents live 200 miles away. My ex is the one who should be helping, but he is unreliable and immature, and cannot see that the person he is hurting by going AWOL is our daughter. I would love your opinion.
Coleen says
I imagine the biggest fear when your child splits up with their partner is that you will not see your grandchildren enough. I guess having her so involved might be trickier if you meet someone else, but let us deal with the current dilemma.
So, for now, I do not think there is anything wrong with asking her, and although she might be thrilled to be asked, equally you have to accept that she has her own life, so be prepared that she might not be able to make such a big commitment.
She might come back and say she can help two days a week, for example. If that is the kind of reply you get, do not get offended. Accept her offer and figure out the other days. Maybe there is an after-school club or you can find a babysitter or even another mum to help.
I am a grandparent, and sometimes I feel I am not doing enough, but the fact is, I work away three days a week, so I am not always around.
If you feel awkward asking her, drop into conversation that you need to go back to work, but you are struggling to find help with your daughter after school, and see if she offers. But do not fall out with her over it. She is a crucial part of your support network.
She might even be able to help mediate things between you and your ex, so you get to a better place and he starts seeing his daughter again.
