A reader writes to Coleen about her predicament: separated from her partner after he had a year-long affair, they still live together for the sake of their two young children and financial constraints. They sleep apart, and she tries to get away with the kids at weekends. Though he ended the affair (likely because the other woman dumped him), he was initially unrepentant and blamed her for the relationship's problems.
He Wants to Try Again
Recently, he has made a huge effort with her and the children, and admitted he messed up, calling them his whole world and wanting to save the relationship. The reader is torn: she doesn't know if she can ever trust him or be intimate with him again, but seeing him as a good father makes her sad. She asks for advice.
Coleen's Response: Take It Slow
Coleen points out that he wasn't thinking of the kids when he had the affair. She advises against simply picking up where they left off without doing the proper work. Couples therapy is essential to explore why the affair happened and how to prevent it recurring. He must take accountability and acknowledge the impact on her.
Trust takes seconds to destroy but a long time to rebuild, and it may never return to 100%. Many couples continue after an affair, but it changes the relationship. If both are willing to try, they should take it very slowly and not make it solely about the children. The reader must consider her own happiness, as children won't benefit from a desperately unhappy mother.
Be Sure He's Genuine
Coleen warns she needs to be convinced he's genuine, not just desperate or out of options. If reconciliation doesn't work, they should create a co-parenting plan. They can still be good parents apart. She ends with words of wisdom: allow friends to have friends, let them change, set boundaries, accept mistakes, and celebrate wins.
