A reader has written to Coleen Nolan seeking advice about her difficult relationship with her stepdad, who she has never liked. The reader explains that her mother has been with the man for 10 years and they married a couple of years ago, much to her horror. He moved in quickly after they got together, but the reader turned 18 soon after and went off to university, never moving back home.
The reader describes her stepdad as petty and childish, sulking for weeks if he doesn't get his way or is questioned. She says her mum is easy-going but he takes advantage of this, so everything they do is on his terms. As a result, the reader avoids visiting her mother at the house she grew up in, where she has special memories of her dad, who died 15 years ago. She feels she is losing her mum too because her husband takes priority over everything and everyone.
Keeping the bond strong
Coleen acknowledges this is a horrible situation for the reader and hard for her mum too. She believes the mum must know her daughter doesn't like her husband, noting she always knew when her own kids didn't like someone she was dating, even if they never said it outright. They would make comments like, "Does that not drive you mad?" or "How do you put up with those moods?"
The most important thing, Coleen advises, is that the reader must not stop seeing her mum as much as she wants to, whether through days out, holidays, or visits to her own place. She warns against letting her mum think the stepdad is all she's got, urging her to keep that bond strong.
Opening up and reflecting
Coleen suggests it is OK to tell her mum she doesn't like the way her stepdad treats her sometimes. This might open a bigger conversation or prompt reassurance. She stresses the importance of listening to what her mum has to say.
She also advises the reader to check in with herself about any lurking jealousy or whether missing her dad means she's struggling to accept someone "taking his place". These feelings can still be very strong, regardless of age. Coleen suggests thinking about what her mum lost and how she's rebuilt her life, which is no mean feat. Now that the reader is older and making her way in the world, her mum deserves to be happy too, and maybe she is.
