Six Years of Duolingo: A Tale of Italian Phrases and Skiing Mishaps
After six years of dedicated study on Duolingo, I have managed to master just two Italian phrases. These phrases are not for initiating conversations or impressing locals; instead, they are designed to express my utter helplessness as efficiently as possible. My goal was simple: to eavesdrop on Italians and see if they were saying bad things about me. Unfortunately, I have failed spectacularly. I can speak a little Italian, but I understand nothing.
The Car Hire Desk Dilemma
My journey began at a car hire desk in an Italian airport, accompanied by my two sons. After a bus ride to a different terminal, we finally reached the desk. The woman behind it asked if we were skiing. When I confirmed, she informed me that we needed snow chains for the tyres. It took me a moment to grasp her meaning, but she pointed us towards the car park, where we would need to ask for the chains.
As we entered the car park, I expressed my unease about being the messenger for the chains, especially if the next person did not speak English. My son spotted a booth in the distance, filled with people speaking Italian. The man behind the counter greeted us with a "Buongiorno", and we had a brief conversation in Italian. Miraculously, he brought me the chains.
My youngest son was impressed. "What did you say to him?" he asked. I replied, "I said, 'I need something, but I do not know the Italian for this thing.'" That was all I had, and luckily, it sufficed. The danger, as my son pointed out, would have been if the man started talking to me. In that case, I would have used my second phrase: "Posso parlare un po' d'Italiano, ma non capisco niente" – I can speak a little Italian, but I understand nothing.
The Ski Hire Shop Incident
The next morning, we visited a hire shop to collect our skis. The man there spoke very little English but was efficient, quickly kitting us out with skis and poles. However, we only had two helmets. I turned to him and repeated my go-to phrase in Italian: "I need something, but I do not know the Italian word for this thing." He immediately responded in English, "Helmet?" I confirmed, thinking to myself: why learn two phrases when one suffices?
Evening Entertainment and Football Fiasco
Exhausted after the first day of skiing, we retreated to our cramped hotel room and watched an Italian TV show called La Porta Magica (The Magic Door). It was a baffling mix of chat, music, cookery, and dream-making. I attempted to translate when I could, which was not often. For instance, I explained that Serenella from Campania wanted a new look, much to my sons' amusement.
The following night, at my sons' insistence, we trudged through town in search of a bar showing a specific Champions League match. We found a small bar with a big screen, and my youngest son handled the inquiry. The bar agreed to show the match by special request. Just before kick-off, the place filled with Scandinavian men there to watch a different match featuring a Norwegian team. Both games were shown side by side, with commentary at full volume.
I watched the two women behind the bar, who were speaking Italian and laughing as they observed us. When a ball sailed over the crossbar, my sons leaped to their feet, roaring in disapproval. Everyone in the room turned to look. "Look, they think you're hooligans," I whispered. My middle son responded with a loud "Fucking useless!" adding to the chaos.
As the bar emptied, someone tried to explain to a barmaid that despite the result, nothing was settled because there was a return fixture next week. She did not understand. I stepped in and said, "Un altra partita. La settimana prossima." Her eyes widened, as if recalling countless indiscretions from the evening. I wanted to reassure her: non capisco niente – I understand nothing.
Reflections on Language Learning
This skiing holiday in Italy, my first in six years since before the pandemic, highlighted the limitations of my Duolingo efforts. While I have spent years learning Italian, my vocabulary is essentially limited to two phrases that express helplessness. My initial goal of eavesdropping on Italians to detect any negative comments about me remains unfulfilled. Instead, I have learned that sometimes, a single phrase can get you through, even if you understand nothing of the language around you.
The experience was a humorous reminder of the challenges of language learning and the unexpected ways it can play out in real-life situations. From car hire desks to ski shops and football bars, my limited Italian served as a crutch, albeit a wobbly one. In the end, it was not about fluency but about navigating moments of confusion with a touch of humour and resilience.
