Phoebe Smith, a 28-year-old wheelchair user from Canvey Island in Essex, has been single for a year and joined Hinge and Tinder in January to look for a partner. Instead, she says the apps have brought a daily stream of crude comments about her disability.
Her profile makes use of her wheelchair in her prompts, including the line that her “wheelchair is included” and that a potential match not being able to drive is a deal breaker. Still, she says most opening messages after matching are jokes about her condition, and some men send explicitly sexual remarks about her sex life.
The worst pick-up line she says she has received was from a man who wrote: “Actually got a fetish…always wanted to be with someone in a wheelchair.” Phoebe did not reply and reported the message to Hinge, calling it “concerning”.
Crude messages and disability jokes
Phoebe was diagnosed with Friedreich’s Ataxia at 18. The hereditary neurodegenerative disease causes progressive damage to the nervous system. She began experiencing symptoms in her late teens, including loss of balance and mobility issues, and has used a wheelchair since she was 22.
Many of the messages she receives make references to her chair. She has been asked if her “bottom half still works?” and has received mentions of “meals on wheels”, “Hot Wheels” and “Transformers”. One Tinder user asked: “Can I do a wheelie in your chair with you on top of me.” Another wrote on Hinge: “Been a minute since I’ve played with Hot Wheels, wanna help me change that? X”
Phoebe says the sheer volume is hard to ignore. “I get loads of these messages. I would get a rude message more than I get a nice one. I get at least one a day. I think it’s harder to use dating apps with a disability in a way but then I did meet my ex-boyfriend on Tinder.”
‘I’ll embarrass you back’
After sharing some of the messages she has received on social media, Phoebe says one of her videos has attracted more than 900 likes and 50 comments. She has also deleted and reinstalled the apps repeatedly because of the tone of what she receives.
“The main thing I get asked is if I can still have sex. If I’m being honest, it doesn’t affect me too much anymore because I feel sorry for people like this as they’re so ignorant.”
“But if they were to message someone like that that had just been diagnosed or had been through a traumatic accident and had no confidence and were trying to put themselves out there, that could really affect someone’s confidence. I think they’re trying to be funny with these comments.”
“If they first message me either about how I look or my chair, I won’t respond because it’s clear they are messaging me for one thing. If they’re bad I will report them. There was a guy that said he had fetish for people in wheelchairs and I reported this because it was concerning.”
She added that some men become hostile if she does not engage. “I don’t think they always mean anything by it but if I don’t respond in a way they like, they can get a bit nasty or hostile. That’s not someone I want in my life.”
“If they ask in a nice way, I will explain (my disability). I’ve got nothing to hide.”
On social media, she has made clear she is willing to expose the messages. “If you want to embarrass me or speak to me like that, (I’ll put you online). If you’re going to embarrass me, I’ll embarrass you back. A lot of the commenters think (the messages I receive) are shocking. They’re like, ‘Oh my God, that is disgusting’.”
“I’ve deleted the apps on and off for months and months. It’s exhausting.”
Online reaction
Social media users were quick to respond to Phoebe’s posts. One said: “Oh girl you are so better off single.” Another added: “Getting worse. Never forget though you’re beautiful and deserve so much more. Love ya.” A third wrote: “Girl you’re actually a saint for even responding to half of these. Men are gross.” A fourth said: “Where do they get the audacity? Someone please tell me.”
Hinge and Tinder were contacted for comment.
