Rob Williams returned to Alton Towers Scarefest a year after a humiliating maze exit, determined to restore his dignity. He took on the park's new headline attraction, Final Exhibit, discovering that coaster thrill rides, coaster-delivered burgers and an irritable museum curator make for the ultimate Halloween break.
Returning to Scarefest after last year's embarrassment
Last year, Williams made a bit of an arse of himself at Alton Towers Scarefest. After confidently brushing aside his son's concerns that he would see his father scream, he proceeded to scream and swear his way around Edge of the Forest. Pursued by the nightmarish spirit Leshwall, he got caught up in the rubber blinds on the exit as he left the maze, panicked and was laughed at by members of staff.
Returning this year, he was determined not to make a fool of himself again. The event has become a huge part of the Alton Towers calendar, with the park staying open late so visitors can tackle its rides and scare attractions in the dark. As Williams spends most of his time on the rollercoasters with his eyes shut, this makes surprisingly little difference to him.
After the trauma of last year's Edge of the Forest, he was also slightly surprised to discover that plenty of people had not been particularly impressed by it. Some cruelly compared the monstrous tree spirit Leshwall to Groot. Williams disagrees.
Taking on the new Final Exhibit maze
This year there was a new headlining scare maze to contend with: Final Exhibit. Queuing outside, on his own this time, Williams noticed visitors were being admitted in small groups. He was at the very end of one of them. After some gentle pleading with a member of staff, he was allowed to join the group ahead of him. The prospect of making his way around a Scaremaze entirely on his own was not appealing.
Final Exhibit begins innocently enough. You enter what appears to be a perfectly normal museum celebrating the history of Alton Towers. Then things start to go wrong. The sinister curator decides that the one thing missing from his collection is you. As you make your way through the museum you are surrounded by relics from the park's past and statues of its various characters. Then the whole thing starts becoming increasingly sinister.
Williams said he would not spoil too much, but if you have a phobia of being chased by large furry things in confined spaces, this is probably not the maze for you. He enjoyed Final Exhibit, but for him it was not a patch on last year's Edge of the Forest. The problem was the curator.
The curator and other scare attractions
A dumpy little chap in a tweed jacket, the curator rushes around becoming increasingly manic. Rather than terrifying him, he reminded Williams of an irritated librarian who had finally snapped after someone returned a book late. Williams was more concerned about his blood pressure than his own safety.
That is not to say Final Exhibit is bad. The performers do a great job and the maze is cleverly designed, with some excellent jump scares. But Williams never quite felt as on edge as he did in Edge of the Forest. Last year it felt like something was hunting him. This year felt more like being shown around a particularly unpleasant museum by a man who desperately needed a lie down.
There are plenty of other options if neither maze does it for you, including Dark Hollow, Burial Grounds, Altonville Mine Tours and, of course, the utterly terrifying COMPOUND.
Rides, dinner and the hotel stay
Having survived the museum curator without any further loss of dignity, Williams headed for the rides and managed to experience the Smiler and a bunch of the other attractions before dinner. Dinner was at the Rollercoaster Restaurant in Forbidden Valley, where your food literally takes a ride on a miniature rollercoaster before arriving at your table in a metal pot. Watching a burger whizz overhead at high speed is oddly mesmerising, although you spend the first few minutes ducking every time a dish takes a particularly tight corner.
The food itself is solid rather than spectacular. There are burgers, ribs, loaded fries and the sort of comfort food you probably want after spending several hours being chased around dark rooms. The gimmick, however, is much better than the food.
Exhausted, they retreated to the Alton Towers Hotel for the night. Styled like the eccentric home of a Victorian explorer, Sir Algenon, the hotel manages to be quirky without becoming uncomfortable. There is a giant ship-themed bar with live evening music, which makes for a good place to conduct a post-maze debrief while the children burn off whatever remains of their adrenaline.
The real test of any theme park stay comes the following morning. Breakfast in the Secret Garden Restaurant is an all-you-can-eat operation of impressive proportions. There are mountains of bacon and sausage, pastries, a live pancake station and enough coffee to revive even the most exhausted parent. By this point, they had been at Alton Towers for more than 24 hours and Williams was ready to admit defeat.
Scarefest has spawned plenty of imitators, but there is still something special about the combination of the scare mazes, the rides in the dark and the sheer ridiculous bigness of a busy Alton Towers. Final Exhibit might not have frightened him as much as Edge of the Forest did. The curator might be nerdy and possibly suffering from hypotension. But his attempts to stop them leaving the park were entirely unnecessary. None of them wanted to go home.
