How do you respond when friends criticize their own weight, faces, or skin? Such negative comments about bodies and looks are pervasive in society, often leading to difficult conversations. One friend frequently complains about her weight; telling her she's supporting the beauty industrial complex feels preachy, while saying 'You're beautiful!' seems shallow. Another friend insists she needs more Botox for forehead lines, dismissing your honest observation that you see none.
Understanding the dilemma
Contemporary beauty culture despises judgmental women, especially those with opinions about others' beauty habits. Any criticism of cosmetics now requires the disclaimer: 'No judgment, though!' Yet harsher judgment of oppressive standards sustaining the $427bn diet industry and $700bn beauty industry might benefit everyone. However, telling a worried friend 'You're an agent of the patriarchy' isn't helpful. Neither is 'You're beautiful!'—it reinforces the idea that individual beauty solves insecurity bred by beauty culture, suggesting your looks determine your worth but you're fine.
Expert advice for handling these talks
Beauty reporter Zeynab Mohamed advises listening without judgment and avoiding overcompensating with compliments. She suggests making beauty-related conversations more frequent and general, focusing on industry pressures and internalized standards, not tied to perceived shortcomings. Invite friends to watch films like The Substance or American Psycho and discuss beauty themes over wine. Share critical books or podcast episodes, such as Kate Manne's Unshrinking, or Tressie McMillan Cottom's video on the 'everyday eugenics' of GLP-1s.
Beauty journalist Val Monroe recommends connecting and commiserating rather than dissuading. Share your own experiences with dissatisfaction, like disabling Zoom's mirror function and meditating after fixating on crow's feet. Virginia Sole-Smith, writer of the Burnt Toast newsletter, suggests adopting a 'hate the game, not the player' mentality, responding with: 'Wouldn't it be cool if we didn't have to devote so much time and money to all of this?'
Setting boundaries and deepening discussions
If a friend's talk triggers you, Sole-Smith advises setting a boundary: 'Sorry, I love you but I'm just not the friend for Botox talk.' For those open to debate, Moshtari Hilal, author of Ugliness, suggests moving toward politics: 'Instead of reassuring friends they're beautiful, ask why it matters so much. Would you love or respect me less if my appearance changed? Do you deserve better treatment for youthful skin?'
Breaking the pattern of 'appearance talk' benefits everyone. Such negative commentary permeates society—from a mother calling herself 'bad' for ordering dessert to the self-critique-as-bonding in Mean Girls. Research links participating in or listening to appearance talk to increased body dissatisfaction and anxiety, leading to harmful diet and beauty behaviors. Hilal notes, 'These ideas are contagious.'
Shifting negativity from individual bodies toward systems and structures can also be contagious. Second-wave feminists called it 'consciousness-raising.' Discussing ageism in anti-ageing with friends won't change the world—organizing and legislating against discrimination does—but it can externalize shame, challenge false beliefs, and alleviate anxiety. Some friends may not want to analyze Ozempic via text; your Botox-loving BFF might just want a compliment. It's up to you how to handle that. Hilal finds it tough to be around people fixated on wrinkles or body shape: 'If your fear of ugliness doesn't lead to care or compassion, but to reproducing those standards as its salesman, I need to step back.' No judgment here.
