With the 2026 US midterm elections upon us, a Los Angeles-based writer and humorist offers a curmudgeon's guide to the campaign season's most ridiculous moments. From the Cheesecake Factory discourse to the double Dan Sullivans, the list covers the irritating, confounding and downright stupid things to scream about on election day.
The Cheesecake Factory discourse
During a recent campaign stop, former president Barack Obama compared the aesthetics of the Trump-led White House renovations with a Cheesecake Factory. The writer expresses annoyance that this is a talking point during a crucial campaign and resents the comparison being made, stating a preference for eating at a Cheesecake Factory over the White House.
The continued importance of Spencer Pratt
In California, the race everyone is talking about is the contest for Los Angeles mayor, a stepping stone to jobs as prestigious as "Ambassador to Country Chosen by Random Lottery Draw" or "Special Adviser to Herbalife". It is neck-and-neck between incumbent Karen Bass and city councilperson Nithya Raman. Reality show star Spencer Pratt, who was defeated in the first round of voting this summer, remains popular enough that his supporters could tip the scales toward one candidate or the other.
The curious case of the two Dan Sullivans
According to the New York Times, some Democrats figured out that the best way to unseat senator Dan Sullivan was to force him to run against himself. Retired teacher Dan Sullivan was allegedly recruited to run for US Senate by the campaign of Democrat Mary Peltola, in the hopes of unseating Dan Sullivan. The Peltola campaign has denied any involvement in his candidacy.
The Sullivan v Sullivan smackdown has the Republican party so worried that the justice department is suing to invalidate the results of the election if Sullivan (the senator) narrowly loses to Sullivan (the not-senator) or Peltola (the not-Sullivan). The writer questions who is being fooled by this goofy dirty trick, referencing old people, those too busy to read the fine print, and people with an acute case of Sullivantitis, a crippling disease that causes blindness to the name "Dan Sullivan".
The continued push to close polling places
In an attempt to depress turnout amongst Democratic-leaning voters, red state election boards in states such as North Carolina are shutting polling places in blue areas. In North Carolina, voting sites were shut on numerous college campuses, but that did not stop a group of predominantly students from organizing marches in excess of two hours so that they could maintain the franchise.
The writer finds the notion of leaders blatantly making it more onerous for citizens to vote absolutely abhorrent, but finds it inspiring to see young people exercising their rights in the face of an actively hostile state government.
'I voted' stickers and selfies
The writer acknowledges the stickers exist as an elaborate campaign of shame and embarrassment for those that did not bother to vote. Like a lollipop at the end of a haircut, the "I voted" sticker is the little treat at the end of a long period of interminable waiting. The writer suggests slapping the sticker on a laptop instead of wearing it, so that anyone in the vicinity will have to double-check that there is not an election that day.
Donald Trump's Mr America beauty pageant
The writer describes this as Donald Trump's last campaign of his risible political career, calling him a cancerous influence on discourse since 2011, breaking traditions, norms, rules, and some priceless artifacts along the way. Instead of getting nostalgic, the president is pondering the strength and power that emanates from various Republican buttocks. The writer expresses frustration at social media feeds being littered with clips of Donald Trump sexualizing his colleagues.
