Becoming a parent is often described as a joyous occasion, but for many couples, it can also trigger conflict in even the most rock-solid relationships. Holly, a mother based in Canada, experienced this first-hand after the birth of her twins. Despite a five-year partnership, she and her partner began having 'explosive' arguments and even discussed breaking up. The main trigger was the division of labour: while her partner handled household chores, Holly needed more help with parenting itself. 'I had an emergency C-section. My body was falling apart. I was feeding two babies 24/7, not sleeping. And if one of them was crying, he would be like, 'Oh, they just want you',' she says. 'I had so much rage towards him.'
Research confirms that relationship satisfaction often declines after having a baby. A 2021 study from the University of Bonn found that satisfaction is lower for parents than for non-parents, and the more children a couple has, the less likely they are to feel satisfied. Mothers of infants are particularly affected: only 38% of married mums report high satisfaction, compared to 62% of married women without children. Factors such as sleep deprivation, financial anxiety, and reduced communication and intimacy all contribute to this decline.
Despite these widespread challenges, many new parents are shocked by the strain on their relationship. Prenatal courses rarely address the topic, social media presents an idealised version of parenthood, and friends and family often avoid discussing their own struggles. This leaves parents feeling isolated and ashamed, and less likely to seek help. Family therapist Stacey Sherrell notes that pre-baby issues, like poor communication, become harder to resolve when a child is added to the mix. 'Your sex life isn't good? It's probably not going to get better with a kid,' she says.
Conflicts can also arise from behaviours that were minor before children. For example, one partner playing video games might have been harmless before, but after kids, it can leave the other feeling stuck parenting solo. Even couples who consider themselves rock-solid are not immune. Jancee Dunn, author of How Not to Hate Your Husband After Having Kids, says she and her husband assumed their relationship would seamlessly adapt to parenthood after 10 years of marriage. 'We assumed that we had worked out all of – or at least the majority of – the kinks in our relationship,' she says. But the reality was different, highlighting the need for open conversations about the challenges of parenting.
