A survey of 20,000 people has revealed that the question 'Are you close?' is a major turn-off for many women during sex, often described as an 'orgasm killer'. The research, conducted by sex education site OMGYES, dubbed this a 'lose-lose question', with women saying they ended up 'in their head' as a result, rather than focusing on their orgasm.
Why It Can Be a Turn-Off
One woman told the study: 'The number one orgasm-killer for me is the question, “Are you going to come soon?” because then my thoughts take over like — “Am I taking too long?”, “Are they bored?” and those thoughts totally distract me, and the orgasm goes away.'
Sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight explains: 'Whilst it might not be intentional, asking “are you close” can tend to introduce pressure at the wrong moment. Instead of allowing someone to stay immersed in connection, it shifts their focus to performance and timing. For many women, arousal builds gradually and needs a sense of safety and space, so being asked if they're “close” can feel like they're being hurried along rather than supported in their own rhythm.'
Even if it's not intended, the expert adds, 'Are you close?' can be interpreted as impatience. One woman, Diana, shared her experience of feeling pressure to rush or finish, saying: 'You know how when you get a back massage from a friend, it feels nice but then after a little while you start thinking, “Are their hands tired?” “Should I say thanks now?” And during that time, you're not really feeling the pleasure of the massage. That's what happens for me and orgasms. Until I had a lover that was so enthusiastic about pleasing me that I knew she wasn't getting tired or wishing it was over.'
The Pressure to Perform
Lovehoney expert Annabelle agrees, pointing out it subtly suggests there's a deadline, which can make someone feel like they need to 'get there' quickly, rather than enjoy the journey. It's not surprising that ladies feel this pressure when it can take women anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes (or more) of consistent, pleasurable stimulation to reach orgasm, according to research. In comparison, men tend to reach orgasm more quickly, often within a few minutes of penetrative sex, so it could be easy to assume women would be able to do the same.
Put simply, it can make it harder for women to orgasm. 'Some women might start overthinking, lose momentum or feel pressured enough that they disengage,' Annabelle explains. 'It may even lead to faking an orgasm, simply to relieve that pressure.'
Once you start to overthink it, there's a risk you won't feel relaxed enough to climax either. 'Relaxation is one of the most important ingredients for orgasm, particularly for women,' she adds. 'When there's pressure, the body can shift into a more tense or self-conscious state. Rather than encouraging climax, that question might actually create a barrier to it.'
What to Say Instead
If 'Are you close?' is your go-to question, it might be time to try switching it up, unless your partner loves it. Annabelle suggests trying questions that enquire about pleasure rather than progress. This could be things like 'Does this feel good?' or 'Do you want me to keep going like this?'. You could also ask whether the speed is good, or even the angle.
Of course, words aren't always necessary. Non-verbal communication during sex is just as important, and can tell you a lot about what someone is experiencing. 'Body language, breathing, movement and responsiveness can be incredibly powerful and intuitive,' Annabelle says. 'That said, verbal communication can be especially helpful for reassurance and exploring new things. The healthiest dynamic is usually a mix of both.'
