What does sex mean to you? As a sex educator, I begin each class with this seemingly simple question. Some might think it is my job to provide a definitive answer. I do offer accurate and inclusive information about sexual health, relationships, and identity, but I refrain from dictating how that information should be used or valued.
The Problem with a Singular Definition
Using a singular definition of sex indirectly affirms that there is a right and a wrong way to have sex. This perspective can be limiting and even harmful. In my professional experience, investigating your own ideas about sexuality can be fruitful, regardless of your prior exposure to such topics.
When I work with high school students, they often ask variations of: "Does it count if you have oral sex?" Like many sex educators, I resist the concept of a "body count" because there is no inherent value tied to how much or how little sex one has had. The real question beneath the surface is: "Could sex be more expansive than what I thought it was?"
What Is Sex, Anyway?
At the start of discussions, students frequently regurgitate mainstream definitions such as "a penis going into a vagina" or "intimacy between a man and a woman." In response, I offer prompts like: "What things have to happen for something to count as sex?" or "Does penetration always have to be a part of sex?" or "Could masturbation be a type of sex?"
As various opinions emerge, we move away from a universally agreed-upon interpretation of sex. Students notice that something they thought was clear is actually more complicated. Even concepts like abstinence and virginity lack uniform definitions. Some people may abstain from any genital contact except cleaning; others might engage in anal but not vaginal intercourse, according to sex educator and curriculum writer Dr. Bianca Laureano.
This variety in understanding is precisely why I do not use any one definition of sex. When students ask, "Does it count as real sex if I [insert behavior]?" I do not answer outright. Instead, I reiterate that if it is consensual and enjoyable, what "counts" as sex is up to them to decide.
Isn't the Word Useless Without a Definition?
For those cautiously curious about the idea that there is no "real" definition of sex, I understand. From a young age, we are exposed to explicit and implicit messaging about what sex is. Initial encounters often revolve around penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration between a man and a woman, and we categorize all other information around this reference point.
Creating your own understanding of sex can be intimidating, but there is much to be gained. Using a singular definition affirms that there is a right and a wrong way to have sex, and right and wrong roles to play. Such scripts may be familiar but can be unfulfilling or harmful if presented as the only option. If you feel most connected to a partner through massage or other erotic touch, who says that cannot be sex?
If I only teach the dominant understanding of sex, I am not painting the full picture. That would exclude, for instance, explaining how to reduce STI risk for non-PIV sex. It would also assert that people are not experts on their own bodies, which they are.
Dr. Varuna Srinivasan, a physician turned public health expert and writer, uses the word "friction" to describe the tension between personal ideas of sex and what society says it should be. Have you ever thought you might want to experience sex that does not fit the traditional definition?
Another Way to Think About Sex
People often think sex must involve orgasm, a partner, or penetration to be "valid." While sex can include these things, it does not have to. Dr. Damon Constantinides, a sex therapist specializing in queer and trans people, says a pleasure-centered perspective guides people to think more expansively about sex. Thinking of sex as pleasure allows for a "more open and less rigid" interpretation: "There is space for people to decide for themselves what sex is and gain insight into what they enjoy and what they want."
Unlike the infamous baseball metaphors (first base, second base, etc.), there does not have to be a specific goal for something to qualify as sex—just one or more people doing things that make them feel good. Not all pleasurable things need to equate to sex; enjoying a favorite song can be satisfying in a non-sexual way.
To provoke more aligned exploration, Srinivasan suggests inventorying how you currently care for, use, and love your body. From there, it is easier to identify ways you already experience sexual pleasure beyond mainstream definitions.
Isn't It Confusing If Everyone Has a Different Understanding?
Knowing everyone thinks about sex differently might be overwhelming, but sex already exists outside a traditional definition. How we think about and have sex is as diverse as the human species, says Srinivasan. Are you sure your definition aligns with others? The next time you are with a friend, sibling, or lover, discuss what constitutes sex—you might be surprised.
Resisting a singular definition may seem vague, but that is the point. We all have unique perspectives, values, and experiences. Learning about these differences can strengthen relationships. Divergent understandings do not mean anyone is wrong. "It's saying that person interprets it differently than me," says Laureano. Exposure to other definitions cultivates empathy and encourages a sexual culture where we communicate more clearly about what we want to experience.
The more opportunities you have to set expectations around sex, the more you can discuss consent and boundaries, and recognize experiences you may not want.
Benefits of Defining Sex on Our Own Terms
Redefining what sex means to you is not just for high school students. It can happen at any age—perhaps after coming out as queer, becoming disabled, becoming a new parent, or simply finding that your current sex life is unfulfilling.
Individual benefits include more pleasurable, exciting, and aligned sex, as well as greater power over your own experience and body. Self-definitions can be a form of liberation, particularly for Black women and femmes who have faced a long history of sexual violence and disempowerment, according to Dr. Wendasha Jenkins Hall, a sexuality researcher and educator: "We had labels put on us of being hypersexual, lewd, and lascivious, and our bodies really were not our own."
When you construct your own meanings around sex, you learn more about yourself, your desires, and how you interact with the world. We already create our own meaning in other areas of life, so why not sex too? Who knows what part of you is waiting to be unearthed?
