A newlywed woman is furious and insulted because her husband constantly masturbates beside her, even after they have made love, and she wants to know how to make him understand this is not acceptable behaviour.
The woman, writing to agony aunt Jane O'Gorman, explained that she regrets not living with her husband before their wedding because it was all such a rush. They fell in love online while he was working abroad, and it took ages for them to physically get together.
She planned their luxury honeymoon down to the last detail, but he spoilt it by putting himself first. She would wake up in the morning to find him masturbating beside her with his phone propped up on a pillow, and would come out of the shower after a day on the beach to discover him with the job in hand. When reprimanded or questioned, he huffed that he couldn't work out why she was upset.
A Furious Wake-Up Call
One sunny day they made love all afternoon. It was fantastic, and she felt desired and beautiful. Her husband couldn't get enough of her, and they both orgasmed several times over. Eventually she fell into a contented, post-coital snooze.
But she was rudely awoken at 6pm by him puffing and panting away – like a wheezy old steam train – beside her. She was furious and felt insulted. They rowed and she called him a skunk. The next day the atmosphere was frosty because he refused to apologise. Eventually she gave in and spoke to him because she didn't want to ruin the whole trip, but then she caught him masturbating again the morning they left.
Now they're back home and she feels sick imagining him playing around behind her back. She asks how to make him understand that this is not acceptable behaviour, and this is not the way she wishes to live.
Jane Says: Start Talking
Jane says she gets the impression that the couple hardly know – or understand – each other terribly well. Therefore, it's imperative that they start talking and get back to basics. Masturbation isn't dirty or a sin – but being inconsiderate, selfish and rude is.
Jane advises the woman to ask to speak to him away from the bedroom and beg him to put away his phone while they discuss boundaries and behaviour. She should ask whether he now accepts that masturbating right in front of her disturbed her and hurt her feelings, and whether he can agree not to pull those kinds of stunts again in future.
Jane reminds her that there's a time and a place for everything and she's allowed to speak out if something jars. Of course, she's not suggesting he never masturbates again – she can't possibly impose those kinds of rules – but can he be more discreet in future?
If they are sure that they love each other and wish to stay married and can make the union work, then a lot of work needs to be done regarding give-and-take. If he needs more sex than she does, then talk about that. Could mutual masturbation be an option if she's not always up for full sex? Find out what works for them as a unique couple. The early days of a marriage are rarely easy, but they must find some middle ground. She should consider whether he is respectful and considerate in general.
