Most people avoid talking about death, but experts say confronting it can be life-affirming. Dr Lucy Hone, a resilience and grief researcher and author of How Will I Ever Get Through This?: A Practical Guide to Navigating Life's Toughest Times, describes modern societies as "grief-illiterate and grief-phobic."
Hone began researching grief over a decade ago after the sudden death of her daughter, Abi. On a video call, she wore one of Abi's old hats, an orange and white beanie with polka dots and a big orange pouf on top. It's ridiculous, Hone says, but it makes her laugh.
Despite her intense loss, Hone is remarkably cheerful and bubbly, in part because of her work. She and several other experts said that thinking about and being around death was "life-affirming."
Why We Fear Death
Death disrupts the usual orientation of our lives, argues Dr Todd May, instructor of philosophy at Warren Wilson College. "People in the west and elsewhere are forward-looking," May says. We engage in projects and relationships that unfold over time. "The thought of our lives ending violates this future orientation we all have," he explains.
The typically western, individualistic approach to life affects how we feel about death, says Sister Chȃn Trì Nghiȇm, an Australian-born Zen Buddhist nun. In the Judeo-Christian tradition, "there is a strongly shared belief that God created individuals separate from each other … we have a certain lifespan, and we die at a certain time." This view causes fear and anxiety, she argues.
In Buddhism, beginnings and endings are less defined. "In Buddhism, we have always existed and there was no time when we didn't exist," says Trì Nghiȇm. Seen through this lens, death is less of an ending and more of a continuation.
The idea of finitude can bruise our fragile egos, says Alua Arthur, author and death doula. "We have no control at all, and that's very disquieting," she says. "We think we're infallible, and death reminds us how small we are, and that's uncomfortable."
Death also brings up big feelings most people avoid, says Dr Luyi Kathy Zhang, a hospice and palliative care doctor. "So many of us are ill-equipped to deal with uncomfortable emotions, and death is probably one of the peak uncomfortable experiences," she says.
Finally, dying increasingly happens out of sight, says Hone, in hospitals or care homes. "Throughout human history, we had death around us," she says. "We'd care for the sick and dying at home, so we were forced to talk about it and think about it."
This shift accelerated in the mid-twentieth century. The New York Times reported in 2019 that in Boston in 1912, about two-thirds of residents died at home. By the 1950s, the majority of Americans died in hospitals, and by the 1970s, at least two-thirds did.
Why It Matters
Not talking or thinking about death "doesn't mean that it's not coming, it just means that you're going to be ill-prepared when it does come," says Arthur. Planning for the logistics of death can also make things easier for loved ones. "That way, they're not in grief and also trying to figure out where your social security card is," she says.
Planning for how we'd ideally like to spend our last days gives us agency, says Zhang. "You can choose to be involved in it rather than [experience] the overwhelm and stress of being forced to deal with it," she explains.
Experts also say thinking about death helps us live better lives. "Accepting that we're going to die allows us to live more purposefully," says Hone. For her, losing Abi clarified the brevity and fragility of life. Given that, she says, "I need to know who and what matters most to me now and focus my attention on them."
Reflecting on mortality can keep things in perspective, says Zhang. For example, will a frustrating traffic jam matter on your deathbed? If you're nervous about asking someone out or applying for a job, ask yourself how you might feel at the end of your life if you didn't go after what you wanted. "That might be enough of a perspective shift for us to overcome fear or hesitation," Zhang says.
It can also help us appreciate our lives now. "If we ask ourselves, 'What if this is the last time I get to have dinner with my family?' that is a very different way of experiencing something that feels ordinary and mundane," Zhang says.
Practical Steps to Become More Comfortable
Experts say certain practices can help one begin to "tolerate" the thought of death, as Hone puts it. "I'm not at peace with the fact that I'm going to die and all the people I love are going to die," she admits. "But I can tolerate it, because I can tolerate difficult things."
Don't feel ashamed of your fear. Fear of death is natural, and often a big part of what keeps us alive, says Arthur. "It's the thing that tells you to stop walking when you get to the edge of that cliff, and to drink water when you're in the desert," she says. The goal is not to eliminate the fear, but to understand where and why it might be holding us back.
Start planning. Whether it's writing your will or an advance directive, thinking about the practicalities of death can be a helpful, less emotionally fraught approach, Arthur says.
Ask yourself big questions. Questions like, "What will I regret not doing in 10 or 15 years?" and "Will I care about this on my deathbed?" help put the current moment into perspective, says Zhang.
Think about someone you know who died. Even if it's just for five minutes, Hone says, reflect on what you learned from that person and how you might want to live differently. "That's quite a nice, constructive way to think about death," she says.
Think about your relationships. Reflect on important people in your life and whether you're holding anything back from them, Arthur says. "Who do you need to say sorry to? Who do you need to say thank you to? Who do you need to forgive?" she asks.
Learn how to balance the present and the future. "We need to keep our engagement in activities with a future," says May. But because we could die at any moment, "living solely for the future sacrifices the riches of our present". The aim is to exist in a balance of both, May says, which is "difficult, but perhaps achievable to some degree."
