A few nights ago, my wife told me she wasn’t in love with me any more and didn’t know how it would be possible to get those feelings back. Life has been fairly stressful over the past couple of years – deaths of parents, caring for three young children and both of us working full-time.
She said I’m argumentative and pick holes in everything and I’m never “present”. My head’s always in work or somewhere else, apparently. Those things are probably true, but she’s not blameless either. She never wants to spend any time with me on our own – she’d rather see her mates – and she does her own thing at home, so we hardly ever have a proper conversation.
She did say she was willing to try “a last-ditch attempt” at saving the marriage for the sake of the kids, as they’re still so young, but isn’t holding out much hope of loving me again, which really hurt. I know we have problems but I still love her. Is it possible with counselling to get back to where we were? I’m willing to do anything to save our relationship and keep my family together.
Coleen says
I think you have nothing to lose and it’s always worth giving couples therapy a shot. At least then, if it doesn’t work out, you can both walk away knowing you really tried. It’s tough to hear those words, but you can’t force her to fall back in love with you. Rebuilding a relationship is a process and it requires effort and action – saying the “right” things and making promises isn’t enough.
If you agree with the points she’s made about you, you need to work on those. It’s always worth trying and I guess on the plus side she’s been honest, which is important. It’s hard to tell someone you’re not in love with them any more. However, if she’s saying she’s willing to try, then she has to go into it with an open mind and commit to the sessions. It’s not a case of “one and done”, it takes time and it can be a difficult and painful process.
You have to accept that things might come out in counselling that are hard to hear and that you didn’t know about. Counselling can also help you reach a decision to separate with more understanding and respect for each other. If that’s what ends up happening, then the way forward is to focus on being the best parents you can be. Good luck.
