Rejection hurts, whether in a professional, social or romantic context. The late anthropologist Helen Fisher showed that romantic rejection activates brain areas associated with distress and physical pain, as revealed by functional MRI scans in a 2010 study. Similarly, social psychologist Naomi Eisenberger found that social exclusion triggers pain pathways akin to physical injury, alerting us to damage to our social connections.
From an evolutionary perspective, rejection was a grave threat: being cast out from a Palaeolithic group could mean death. However, modern humans who recoil from rejection may cause more harm than good. Prioritising avoidance of rejection leads to risk aversion and a narrower social world, whereas embracing rejection can improve psychological health and wellbeing.
Cognitive reframing—accepting that rejection is universal and unavoidable—helps soften the blow and builds resilience. One American entrepreneur, Jia Jiang, demonstrated this in 2012 after an investor’s rejection left him crushed. He embarked on a 100-day project to accumulate rejections, making ridiculous requests such as asking a stranger to borrow $100. Over time, his anxiety diminished, and he reported greater agency, social skill, and openness. Paradoxically, more people began to say yes to his proposals.
Cultivating equanimity in the face of disappointment has long been advocated in spiritual traditions like Buddhism. Jiang’s experience echoes the ancient Iron Fist technique in kung fu, where repeated pounding desensitises the fist to pain. The lesson is clear: rejection, while painful, can be a tool for growth and a catalyst for a more fulfilling life.
