A woman who split from her teenage sweetheart after he cheated and fathered a child with someone else is wondering whether it is wise to give their relationship another go.
The reader, now 28, says she and her ex got together as teenagers and had a son at 19. Their families were supportive, and while he worked, she stayed home with the baby and later returned to studying for her degree when their son was three.
Halfway through her degree, she discovered he had slept with someone else. Heartbroken and unable to forgive him at the time, they split. She later learned the hook-up resulted in a pregnancy, and he now has a daughter with that woman, although they were never a couple.
A changed man and lingering feelings
Despite the mess, the reader acknowledges her ex has grown up a lot over the past few years and has been a very good dad to both his son and his daughter. They have become close again as friends, and over time she has come to understand why he might have cheated – citing young fatherhood, too much alcohol, stress and financial pressure.
Her dilemma is that she has never stopped loving him, and she believes he feels the same. She asks whether it is insane to get back with someone who broke your heart, noting they are both 28 now and have grown up a lot.
Coleen's advice: take it gradually
In response, Coleen says she is sure they have both grown up and learned lessons, but if they are seriously considering getting back together, they should do it gradually. She warns against jumping in with both feet and ending up in a situation where the father moves in and then leaves again, especially since their son is older now and more aware of what is going on.
Coleen stresses that the ex has to prove he is ready for a relationship now and will not run off at the first sign of stress and sleep with someone else. She reminds the reader that she was young too and experienced the same pressures, but did not cheat.
At the moment, Coleen notes, it is lovely when they see each other, but they are not living together or managing life together. She asks what will happen on the days when it is not so lovely, adding that life and relationships are challenging and they have to be able to work through it all together.
Coleen concludes that the reader is not mad for thinking of trying again, but she would be mad if she went back into it without addressing the things that did not work and expecting a different result. She advises dating again, setting boundaries, rebuilding trust over time, and possibly having counselling to help move forward.
