Psychologist Reveals Key Signs of People Pleasing and How to Break the Cycle
A clinical psychologist has detailed the revealing indicators that someone is a people pleaser and has outlined four actionable steps to cease prioritising others' feelings and needs above their own. Often characterised by a toxic trio of excessive agreeableness, anxiety over being liked, and challenges in asserting boundaries, people pleasing is most frequently observed in women. While kindness and cooperation are positive attributes, consistently putting others first can result in stress, burnout, and underlying resentment.
The Hidden Struggles of High-Functioning Women
Clinical psychologist Dr Marielle Quint treats numerous female patients, typically in their mid-thirties and beyond, who are grappling with daily life pressures without realising they have imposed immense burdens on themselves. She explained to the Daily Mail: 'Patients don't come to me during a breakdown; there are no tears or drama. They usually report feeling flat, perpetually tired, disconnected from life, and irritable with loved ones.'
Dr Quint added: 'On top of that, they confess to being quietly appalled by their own emotions and frustrated by their inability to say "no."' Through gentle inquiry, she often uncovers patterns where patients feel compelled to prepare multiple meals for family members, assist colleagues excessively, agree to partners' last-minute plans that disrupt their social lives, and shoulder the responsibility of caring for ageing parents.
This scenario is widespread, affecting millions of women from their thirties onward. Many in their 40s and 50s, part of the 'sandwich generation', juggle parenting children—sometimes including grandchildren—while supporting elderly parents, all while maintaining work performance and personal relationships, often amidst navigating menopause.
Four Practical Steps to Overcome People Pleasing
Dr Quint emphasises that people-pleasing often disguises itself as kindness but ultimately prioritises others' needs at one's own expense, reflecting difficulties in setting personal boundaries. She asserts: 'You cannot read minds or control others' thoughts. Saying yes when you mean no doesn't make you nice; it makes you unavailable to yourself.'
Step 1: Master the Art of Saying No
To begin reducing people-pleasing behaviours, Dr Quint advises using phrases like 'I can't' without offering justifications, recognising that 'no' is a complete sentence, not a negotiation starter. She also recommends tracking daily apologies to see how much you are deferring to others. 'Once you have your count of sorries, halve it and aim not to exceed that the next day until you stop entirely. You'll soon realise the world doesn't end,' she said.
Stop apologising for non-issues, such as delayed email replies, and understand that it's acceptable to let someone feel momentarily disappointed without rushing to alleviate their feelings. For dedicated people pleasers, a radical suggestion is to choose not to attend events or leave early if it benefits your well-being.
Step 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion
Many women engage in harsh internal dialogue, criticising themselves in ways they never would with friends or strangers. Dr Quint notes that this negative self-talk doesn't foster improvement but leads to paralysis. 'The voice telling you you're "not enough" is not wisdom; it's often exhaustion, hormones, or early lessons about earning love through achievement,' she explained.
To combat this, practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness you'd show a loved one. Instead of self-criticism like 'I'm useless for forgetting school trip money,' try 'I'm managing a lot. I'll handle it tomorrow. This isn't a moral failure.' When critical thoughts arise, pause and ask if they are true or merely exhaustion speaking—often, it's the latter.
Step 3: Recognise Your Limits
Dr Quint reminds her burnt-out clients that humans have finite energy, patience, and time, not infinite capacity. If your to-do lists are overloaded, identify tasks you've taken on unnecessarily. 'Creating a "not my job" list can be challenging, but we often believe completing it will bring rest, yet it's endless and never finished,' she said.
Each day, deliberately choose one item from this list to not do, crossing it off without postponement. If hesitant, apply the 'catastrophe test': consider what happens if it's left undone—rarely a disaster. You'll likely find others step in or it goes unnoticed. Additionally, view your list as a one-in, one-out system; before agreeing to new commitments, ask what you're saying no to, as trade-offs are inevitable.
Step 4: Embrace Imperfection
In a world saturated with images of 'perfect lives' from celebrities, influencers, and peers, comparison can steal joy and increase pressure. Dr Quint advises: 'You don't have to excel at everything. It's okay to be average or even poor at activities and still participate.'
Your home needn't resemble a magazine spread, meals don't require scratch preparation, and handmade birthday cakes or costumes aren't necessities. For the sandwich generation, understanding that you can't be everything to everyone is crucial; seeking help isn't weakness but survival. This might involve hiring support like carers or cleaners if affordable, or sharing childcare and elder care duties with siblings or neighbours.
Dr Quint concluded: 'You'll experience guilt regardless, so opt for the guilt that comes with setting boundaries over that from total depletion.'
