Summer House star KJ Dillard has revealed he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and hospitalized for self-harm last year. An emotional Dillard made the revelation during the season 10 Summer House reunion, admitting he endured 'some heavy stuff mentally' during the fall.
The 28-year-old broke down in tears as he recalled being visited by castmates Mia Calabrese and Ciara Miller on a near daily basis during his week-long stay in the hospital. Fortunately, things have now improved. Dillard was happy to report he is now on medication and undergoing therapy.
Dillard's Emotional Confession
'In the fall I went through some heavy stuff mentally,' Dillard admitted. 'I actually had to go to the hospital for self-harm and I was in for a week. Mia and Ciara were there, almost everyday,' he broke down into tears and was comforted by his castmates. 'Then I went to recovery and that solidified it for me. I was there for a few months. I got to focus on myself and I needed that because I think my whole life I distracted myself and ran away from my issues instead of facing them head-on.'
'But now I'm better, I'm in therapy and I'm on medication. I got diagnosed with BPD when I was in the hospital and I'm grateful that I'm here alive 'cause I could've not been and thankful for just like the support of my friends.'
'Everyone here has somewhat shown support in their own way, so I appreciate that and I'm very thankful that the audience is just embracing that because it's my truth, you know, and I'm not gonna not be honest about what I go through, especially if it can help others.'
Understanding BPD
BPD is 'a mental health condition that affects the way people feel about themselves and others, making it hard to function in everyday life,' according to the Mayo Clinic. The mental health condition causes symptoms such as 'mood swings, anger and impulsiveness.'
Dillard became Summer House's first Black male cast member when he joined the show last year.
Struggles Behind the Scenes
In a post-reunion interview with Ebony, Dillard shed more light on his ordeal and revealed his struggles began near the end of Summer House production. With filming winding down and a return to 'real' life now inevitable, Dillard found himself shutting down 'mentally and emotionally.'
'Towards the end of the filming, I started to shut down mentally and emotionally. I knew it was coming to an end,' he told Ebony. 'Even though it was a temporary end, because we have this season coming up, I had put everything into filming, I gave every part of me, I opened up, and I knew it was going to be different in the off-season.'
'The relationships were going to fade. Everyone was going to go back to their normal lives. For me, that hurt because filming was what I had going on. Once the fall hit, I didn't have much going on because modeling was slow for me, and money was rough.'
The turbulent time started to strain his relationship with girlfriend Dara Levitan. The lack of 'stability' began to take a 'toll' on his relationships, including with Dara.
'I didn't have any stability at all, and it took a toll on me; it took a toll on my relationship with Dara. I struggled a lot mentally and emotionally. I started to hate myself from within, and it started to show up in my relationship. I started distancing myself in friendships.'
Throughout his struggles, Dillard hid the truth of his despair and instead acted as if 'everything was all good.'
'I acted like everything was all good when in reality it wasn't. During the reunion, I shared about myself having to go to the hospital because I had self-harmed. I was in a place where I needed help, but I didn't know how to ask for help because I was just like, "Oh, I just got done filming this reality show. I want to make sure everything looks a certain way."'
'Having to show up as the first Black guy this summer, I didn't wanna show any signs of weakness. I felt really weak. I was holding all of that in until it all came out. I went to the hospital with Ciara, Mia, and Dara. I checked myself into the psychiatric unit and was there for a week.'
Road to Recovery
Dillard called recovery a life-changing experience where he learned about the importance of 'self-love' and 'self-care.'
'After that, I went to recovery in Westchester for a few months. It really changed my life because I started to learn what self-care and self-love look like. I realized that it's okay to not be okay. As a Black man in a world where we feel like we have to show up and be tough, being tough is talking about your emotions, and not holding the weight of the world in.'
Dillard credited Release Recovery Foundation, a treatment center which helps individuals recovering from substance use and mental health disorders, for saving his life.
On his Instagram Stories, Dillard shared a heartfelt thanks for all the support he had been receiving in light of the revelation.
'I'm overwhelmed with love right now from each and every one of you,' he told followers in a video. 'Thank you so much. What I went through in the fall and winter was the hardest thing that I've experienced in my entire life and for me to be able to share my story on national television... I just never could've imagined this.'
'I'm just thankful to be alive and healthy and to have the best support system ever.'
'I don't even know what to say right now. I've never felt so much support in my entire life. So thank you. I wish I could hug each and every single one of you! Thank you God!'
