Graeme Currie was about 16 or 17 when he first experienced the urge to strangle his mother while getting ready for an after-school club. This marked the onset of Harm OCD, a distressing subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) characterized by intrusive thoughts, urges, or mental images of harming oneself or others. Now 37, Graeme lives with these tormenting thoughts daily, which he describes as "thoughts which feel like urges to harm people."
The Onset of Harm OCD
Graeme recalls the terrifying moment clearly: "I remember it all started when I was around the age of 16, 17, I was getting ready to go to an after-school club, then all of a sudden I got these horrible thoughts of hurting my mum by strangulation." This was a "very scary time" for him. The thoughts often target those he loves most, including family members and children, and can be sexual in nature.
One of the scariest episodes involved an urge to push his mother off a bridge. "There were a couple of times we were walking along the bridge, and my mind was telling me to push my mum over the wall into the water. I just imagine myself acting on these thoughts, for some reason, that one seemed quite a strong thought." Another time, he had a thought to pick up a child and throw them over a large drop. Despite knowing these thoughts are irrational, they cause immense distress.
Triggers and Daily Struggles
Everyday objects can become triggers. Graeme, from East Kilbride, Scotland, finds kitchen knives particularly frightening. "I remember getting the thoughts of hurting someone with a kitchen knife; those kitchen knives do scare me a bit," he said. On holiday, seeing a hammer in a campervan triggered urges to hurt someone with it. News stories about one-punch killings are especially terrifying because they seem easy to act on.
Graeme constantly scans his environment for potential weapons. "I sometimes notice there are scissors next to me, and sometimes I would move those scissors away so that I couldn't reach them." He has tried to test himself by holding a knife but still feels very uncomfortable. His fear has shifted from hammers to knives over time.
Understanding Harm OCD
Trauma specialist Zoë Clews explains that people with Harm OCD are not violent by nature. The thoughts often target what they love most, such as a new parent having intrusive thoughts about hurting their baby. The key difference between someone with Harm OCD and someone who would act on such thoughts is anxiety and desire. "The person with harm OCD will have extreme anxiety at the thought that they could do it. They're not going to do it," Clews says. In contrast, a violent person would feel rage and desire without anxiety.
Clews adds, "One of the problems is that people feel very ashamed of their thoughts because they think it's something that they may act on... But that's the nature of OCD, it lies to you." The shame and fear can be debilitating.
Coping Strategies and Treatment
Graeme manages his condition by keeping his mind distracted through internet research and video games. He prepares himself mentally before going out, such as to the shops with his mum, and tries to maintain a sense of control. Reducing stress and getting enough sleep help him feel better able to tackle the thoughts. He also takes the medication Clomipramine and has undergone Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
Despite these efforts, Graeme has faced misunderstanding from others, including some MPs who dismiss OCD as "just an anxiety condition which you can just pull yourself together." He finds this approach unhelpful and emphasizes that the condition is very debilitating. Even family members have been confused by his struggles, which he understands.
The Impact of Intrusive Thoughts
Graeme describes the thoughts as occurring even at his happiest moments. "I usually mention to my mum that I'm not feeling that great, I got a few intrusive thoughts, it sometimes takes the enjoyment out of things, as you could be at your happiest and boom the OCD kicks in." He pictures himself acting on the thoughts, imagining the harm caused. "A good way to describe it is thinking of an injured dog, and the dog is yelping, wanting help, and in a lot of pain. It always seems to make you think of the most horrible thoughts possible, like what is the worst thing you can do to someone?"
According to an NHS England survey from October, OCD cases among 16-24 year olds in England have tripled in over a decade, making it the second most widespread mental health disorder for young adults. Leigh Wallbank of OCD Action attributes the rise to increased awareness and social media pressure. For Graeme, the journey continues, but he hopes sharing his story will foster greater understanding and reduce stigma.
