A woman has written to agony aunt Jane O'Gorman for advice after her partner's secret drinking continued despite repeated promises to quit. The couple, who once bonded over alcohol, have seen their relationship strain under the pressure of his addiction.
A relationship built on partying
The woman explained that she and her partner were once the 'cool party couple', known for wild behaviour including public displays of affection and nudity at parties. Their relationship centred around alcohol for a long time, with the woman drinking as much as her partner.
However, in 2022, she had a serious accident after a three-day drinking binge with her partner. She fell down a flight of stairs at a station on their way home from a festival, ended up in hospital, and was lucky to regain her mobility and survive.
Broken promises and hidden bottles
She swore off alcohol on the day she was discharged, and her partner promised to sober up with her, but that never happened. He has repeatedly fallen off the wagon, including an incident at her sister's wedding last July when he danced on tables and vomited in plant pots. After that, he promised never to drink again, but she has found bottles and cans hidden around the house, including empty brandy bottles in the hollow of a tree.
The woman works long hours in a warehouse while her partner works nights for his dad, a job he hates. She is angry with him for wasting money and risking his health and job, as she believes he must be going in drunk. Over the years, she has taken him to numerous doctors' appointments and dependency meetings, but nothing seems to help him quit permanently.
Jane's advice: focus on your own wellbeing
In her response, Jane O'Gorman said the whole situation needs to change. She noted that the couple are barely seeing each other, with him bored during the day and her lonely at night, so it is little wonder the relationship is buckling under strain.
Jane suggested the woman consider whether they need to overhaul how they live, where they live, and how they treat each other. She described the partner as a man on the edge and advised that if the woman has reached her limit, she may need to move on alone.
Jane pointed out that the woman has tried to help and support her alcoholic partner for many years, accompanying him to appointments, yet he is still drinking. She said that if he hasn't reached rock bottom or isn't ready to stop, his life is in his hands.
She encouraged the woman to urge her partner to contact Alcoholics Anonymous and/or The Samaritans (116 123). Jane also advised the woman to consider her own health and wellbeing, speak to her GP about her own problems, and accept that she cannot be wholly responsible for the actions of another. She recommended checking out al-anon.org.uk, a charity that supports people affected by someone else's drinking.
